Hello world,

So I wanted to write the blog on my new Job but todays evening events have overshadowed my happiness. Rock Solid stresses me out. I've been in tears tonight over it.

I knew leading the club would be hard and I understood the ideology of 'got to have rain to have a rainbow' but today literally made me break down. I literally just hugged Nick and cried (snot and all) up to about 10 minutes ago. He brought me smarties which also made me cry.

I started my job yesterday which has so far been full of surprises and full of food for thought but I have to get up every morning by 6am I leave at half 6 and don't get back until 6 at night which having the evenings free is lovely.

I planned Rock Solid on Sunday. The planning takes at minimum two hours because I have to sit and pray over it and a lot of the time the material that is given is rubbish so I have to make up my own. After that I have to write an email to the leaders to inform them of the plan. I also write out a prayer email to a group of wonderful people who pray for us each week which again takes the best part of two hours. I know I tend to "write as i think" so I try my best to read over these emails with a toothcomb to try and make the language, vocab and whatever else right.

On top of that is Reveal which I plan, write handout sheets for and buy food for as well as these new Rock Solid blogs. Each week I write a blog on each sessions topic this can take from 1 hour to 2 hours which I research, pray over and again toothcomb it.

Tonight I found out that my carefully laid out plan has been messed up (as people cant come) which is fine. It happens most weeks and people cant help getting colds and work committments. What has annoyed me is the lack of help I have got? I am a volunteer i'm not getting paid. I took two weeks off work (as a holiday as unlike most people I dont get christmas off) I had dreams of going for walks, visiting friend, museums and art gallerys and I spent all of it sorting out stuff for these youth clubs and organising stuff for church. I didnt do any of these things. Im tired, exhausted in fact I havent slept properly in weeks. Writing on my facebook saying "answer your phone" is not helpful when you call me at 4 in the afternoon. I am at work. I didnt even have time for a lunch break today.

Me and Nick live in the same house (which is a huge blessing) and the fact I havent been able to share more than 5 words with him in the last 5 days is ridiculous. It is not helpful getting emails/texts/phonecalls and any other method of communication you can think off of lists telling me of stuff that needs to be done.

I know I am just ranting and last Rock Solid was so positive this is proberly a spiritual attack but im just so tired. I love Rock Solid. I love the kids and the leaders but Iwas hoping and praying into having some evenings this week to spend relaxing instead I will be reworking the Rock Solid Plan, Changing Blogs, writing and planning the three seperate talks we are having on the weekend away, Re-emailing the RS plan out, Writing the MC Plan, Organising the 3 seperate games I am leading on the night because others cant come anymore and trying to work out how on earth I am going to have time to eat anything at all on Friday as I have meetings from 11 -4 at work and then I am properly am going to have too head straight to GBC to put out tuck and set up the games and make sure all the material is there.

Im a volunteer I dont get paid. I have another full time job, I am also proberly going to have to find another Job for the evenings as we pretty much need the extra money for the wedding and future house. It makes me literally cry that my holiday turned into me being stuck at my computer screen.

Anyway, I am getting more hopeless as I think about mine and Nicks future in how on earth we are going to be able to afford to live and being more ridiculous at feeling sorry for myself that my holiday/evenings have turned into more work hours. So in the legendary words of Dory "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" whats the point in complaining anyway

Forgiveness and What not

So a lot has been going on. I mean the last time I wrote anything on here was January. So lets cover the last two weeks.

I went for something that seemed like my dream job and worked out I wasn't good enough to get it. My Fiancee moved into my house and started his new job. I graduated and worked out roughly where I am meant to be heading in life (me and nicks 5 year plan) went to my first counselling appointment to sort out well the past stuff, I have slowly even been learning how to voice my insecurity (which has possibly be driving charlie and Nick mad) and was at least going a bit in the right direction.

On Wednesday at work one of the severely mentally disabled guys I work with tried to rape me.

Now this poor guy has no understanding of anything bless him so please don't get your pitchforks at the ready. It really wasnt his fault and he really didnt understand.

I just don't know if I can go back into the house to work with him again.

My job requires me to have a level of professionalism. I need to go in being for him and supporting him and If I feel scared, nervous and uncomfortable around him in such a high level its going to be incredibly hard to do my job. I'm trying to forgive him and forget so I can go back to normal but I just cant shake the feeling of him on my skin. Its making me sick just thinking about it. I know it is an attack from the devil to some degree. It cant be coincidence that within a week of going to see someone about sorting out previous stuff I get more. Its raw and I don't want to talk about it and go into epic detail. I just go from yelling at God in tears to rational thinking back to breaking down every ten minutes.

The thing is it has kinda destroyed all my hope about, well everything. Me and Nick getting married (like we are going to be able to afford it) money (work so hard we practically kill ourselves) being set free from burdens of the past (well we just added to that didn't we) moving forward in life (stuck on pause because I cant get a job that I actually want to do.)

I just feel let down by God. I know he is there, he always is. Im just tired of attempting to keep my head above water. Im exhausted and just need some space away from everything.

I realise this is so self pitying this attitude of mine and I apologise for it, but I just can't seem to shake it.

At Momentum, We were hearing incredible God led sermons one of which was on forgiveness and becoming more Christ like. Mike p was being all charming and well Mike P like and he told this incredible story all about forgiveness.

After the apartheid regime at one of the truth and reconciliation commissions, a leader of a attack on the black community raided a household and murdered a man, and 2 others with a machete before taking away 2 young girls, raping them then eventually set one of them on fire until she was ashes and buried the other alive.

This man went to the commission to admit his wrong doing and to seek justice and forgiveness for his part to play in this. The commission were set to say his punishment (usually a prison sentence, financial payment or something done to benefit victims if they were known) but a lady in the room got up and went to the man, kissed his tears away and crying herself told the man that he had murdered her family. She thanked him for his honesty and forgave the man publicly in Jesus's name. She asked the commission that his only punishment be that he was to join her for dinner and that he if he could remember take her to where her children were buried so she should give them a proper funeral.

The bible talks a lot about us picking up our cross and following Jesus. It talks about us giving up our life's. To die and become more like Christ. This lady died a little that day and by doing so became a bit more like him.

I'm wondering if I'm going to have the strength to do the same. Especially when God feels a thousand miles a way. I know if I lean on Gods strength I can do anything. By forgiving this lad and going back to work like nothing happened will glorify God amazingly but at the same time could repress more junk and be really unhealthy for me with all the stuff Im trying to deal with anyway (that sounds so selfish.)

Will God protect me from that if I forgive in his name?

I do care about this guy, I dont want any harm to come of him and I want all the best for him but does that mean I have forgiven him?

If I go back in and be wary does that mean I havent forgiven him but more that I havent forgotten and isnt that sort of the same thing?

I dont know, I think if you forgive someone generally you shouldnt treat them differently than before hand. Prayers would be great.

Love you all

My Blog is back

Well at least for now,

I stopped it for two reasons really.

First was because I became more and more aware that I could (and most possibly would) use it to vent about me and Nick and our journey together and I dont really think that is fair on either me or Nick. (especially Nick.)

And Second was well, Im not very good and saying how Im feeling and what not (odd for someone that never shuts up) so I wrote it down, got people to read it as a method of not having to say it. Like my next post for example, its easier to ask people to pray about it than actually see people.

Dissertation writing and superstars

I dont want to go all mushy on you but Nick has been incredible. He has pretty much moved in this week. For the last few months I have been feeling like God has been wearing headphones but you know what God gave me him here on the days I needed him. I found out some very bad news and cried (a lot) and Nick was here. he made me sit down physically and write my dissertation which is possibly the largest pile of trash you have ever read but I am just glad it is done. Katie too oh little miss Katie who sends me bible verses everyday to lift my spirit she had no idea of anything that is going on but instead just wanted to support me by doing that. My daughter what a legend you have been. talking to me, loving me and looking after me. Telling me off when I have needed it. God hasn't had headphones on. I have had sunglasses on I couldnt see the blessings of support he has given me through all this rubbish.



I may be a bit down in the dumps and dealing with a lot but God has given me some geunine stars to help me out with it.

Leadership

On a previous Thursday I attended a leadership seminar at GBC.

Once Abe leaves, I am taking over Rock Solid (RNA) It is a scary thought to be honest. I have read a tonne of Leadership books, Picked Abes mind, Prayed loads (still more of that needed please) and tried my best to switch on my mind.

Joe is back from uni now. He has done Rock Solid since he was 15. He knows how the computer systems work and how the finances are managed. He wants to be a youth leader.

It really is scary. John asked on Thursday why some people are hesitant to become leaders. What was listed was literally everything that was and has been going through my mind. It made me laugh but also reassured me (moses and his resistance) actually that others go through it too. So yeah Joe might tick all the right boxes but God chose me.

I think God chooses the ones that are rusty around the edges because he can develop them more.

Im nervous just because I am in a postion where God can do great things but I am also in a place where if (or more appropriate when ) I take my eyes off of him I can do a lot of damage. Its really scary.

I really liked the Seminar. There were a good number of things I hadnt thought off that other peoples experiences had brought up. I think Gods got this.

I miss you

And Now for something a little bit happier

My dad walked outside to his garage without a crutch.

Take that you stupid doctors!!!!!

He even agreed with me that it could possibly have been all the people praying for him.

Its pretty much a medical miracle, but I think its a Jesus one.