Hello world,

So I wanted to write the blog on my new Job but todays evening events have overshadowed my happiness. Rock Solid stresses me out. I've been in tears tonight over it.

I knew leading the club would be hard and I understood the ideology of 'got to have rain to have a rainbow' but today literally made me break down. I literally just hugged Nick and cried (snot and all) up to about 10 minutes ago. He brought me smarties which also made me cry.

I started my job yesterday which has so far been full of surprises and full of food for thought but I have to get up every morning by 6am I leave at half 6 and don't get back until 6 at night which having the evenings free is lovely.

I planned Rock Solid on Sunday. The planning takes at minimum two hours because I have to sit and pray over it and a lot of the time the material that is given is rubbish so I have to make up my own. After that I have to write an email to the leaders to inform them of the plan. I also write out a prayer email to a group of wonderful people who pray for us each week which again takes the best part of two hours. I know I tend to "write as i think" so I try my best to read over these emails with a toothcomb to try and make the language, vocab and whatever else right.

On top of that is Reveal which I plan, write handout sheets for and buy food for as well as these new Rock Solid blogs. Each week I write a blog on each sessions topic this can take from 1 hour to 2 hours which I research, pray over and again toothcomb it.

Tonight I found out that my carefully laid out plan has been messed up (as people cant come) which is fine. It happens most weeks and people cant help getting colds and work committments. What has annoyed me is the lack of help I have got? I am a volunteer i'm not getting paid. I took two weeks off work (as a holiday as unlike most people I dont get christmas off) I had dreams of going for walks, visiting friend, museums and art gallerys and I spent all of it sorting out stuff for these youth clubs and organising stuff for church. I didnt do any of these things. Im tired, exhausted in fact I havent slept properly in weeks. Writing on my facebook saying "answer your phone" is not helpful when you call me at 4 in the afternoon. I am at work. I didnt even have time for a lunch break today.

Me and Nick live in the same house (which is a huge blessing) and the fact I havent been able to share more than 5 words with him in the last 5 days is ridiculous. It is not helpful getting emails/texts/phonecalls and any other method of communication you can think off of lists telling me of stuff that needs to be done.

I know I am just ranting and last Rock Solid was so positive this is proberly a spiritual attack but im just so tired. I love Rock Solid. I love the kids and the leaders but Iwas hoping and praying into having some evenings this week to spend relaxing instead I will be reworking the Rock Solid Plan, Changing Blogs, writing and planning the three seperate talks we are having on the weekend away, Re-emailing the RS plan out, Writing the MC Plan, Organising the 3 seperate games I am leading on the night because others cant come anymore and trying to work out how on earth I am going to have time to eat anything at all on Friday as I have meetings from 11 -4 at work and then I am properly am going to have too head straight to GBC to put out tuck and set up the games and make sure all the material is there.

Im a volunteer I dont get paid. I have another full time job, I am also proberly going to have to find another Job for the evenings as we pretty much need the extra money for the wedding and future house. It makes me literally cry that my holiday turned into me being stuck at my computer screen.

Anyway, I am getting more hopeless as I think about mine and Nicks future in how on earth we are going to be able to afford to live and being more ridiculous at feeling sorry for myself that my holiday/evenings have turned into more work hours. So in the legendary words of Dory "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" whats the point in complaining anyway

Forgiveness and What not

So a lot has been going on. I mean the last time I wrote anything on here was January. So lets cover the last two weeks.

I went for something that seemed like my dream job and worked out I wasn't good enough to get it. My Fiancee moved into my house and started his new job. I graduated and worked out roughly where I am meant to be heading in life (me and nicks 5 year plan) went to my first counselling appointment to sort out well the past stuff, I have slowly even been learning how to voice my insecurity (which has possibly be driving charlie and Nick mad) and was at least going a bit in the right direction.

On Wednesday at work one of the severely mentally disabled guys I work with tried to rape me.

Now this poor guy has no understanding of anything bless him so please don't get your pitchforks at the ready. It really wasnt his fault and he really didnt understand.

I just don't know if I can go back into the house to work with him again.

My job requires me to have a level of professionalism. I need to go in being for him and supporting him and If I feel scared, nervous and uncomfortable around him in such a high level its going to be incredibly hard to do my job. I'm trying to forgive him and forget so I can go back to normal but I just cant shake the feeling of him on my skin. Its making me sick just thinking about it. I know it is an attack from the devil to some degree. It cant be coincidence that within a week of going to see someone about sorting out previous stuff I get more. Its raw and I don't want to talk about it and go into epic detail. I just go from yelling at God in tears to rational thinking back to breaking down every ten minutes.

The thing is it has kinda destroyed all my hope about, well everything. Me and Nick getting married (like we are going to be able to afford it) money (work so hard we practically kill ourselves) being set free from burdens of the past (well we just added to that didn't we) moving forward in life (stuck on pause because I cant get a job that I actually want to do.)

I just feel let down by God. I know he is there, he always is. Im just tired of attempting to keep my head above water. Im exhausted and just need some space away from everything.

I realise this is so self pitying this attitude of mine and I apologise for it, but I just can't seem to shake it.

At Momentum, We were hearing incredible God led sermons one of which was on forgiveness and becoming more Christ like. Mike p was being all charming and well Mike P like and he told this incredible story all about forgiveness.

After the apartheid regime at one of the truth and reconciliation commissions, a leader of a attack on the black community raided a household and murdered a man, and 2 others with a machete before taking away 2 young girls, raping them then eventually set one of them on fire until she was ashes and buried the other alive.

This man went to the commission to admit his wrong doing and to seek justice and forgiveness for his part to play in this. The commission were set to say his punishment (usually a prison sentence, financial payment or something done to benefit victims if they were known) but a lady in the room got up and went to the man, kissed his tears away and crying herself told the man that he had murdered her family. She thanked him for his honesty and forgave the man publicly in Jesus's name. She asked the commission that his only punishment be that he was to join her for dinner and that he if he could remember take her to where her children were buried so she should give them a proper funeral.

The bible talks a lot about us picking up our cross and following Jesus. It talks about us giving up our life's. To die and become more like Christ. This lady died a little that day and by doing so became a bit more like him.

I'm wondering if I'm going to have the strength to do the same. Especially when God feels a thousand miles a way. I know if I lean on Gods strength I can do anything. By forgiving this lad and going back to work like nothing happened will glorify God amazingly but at the same time could repress more junk and be really unhealthy for me with all the stuff Im trying to deal with anyway (that sounds so selfish.)

Will God protect me from that if I forgive in his name?

I do care about this guy, I dont want any harm to come of him and I want all the best for him but does that mean I have forgiven him?

If I go back in and be wary does that mean I havent forgiven him but more that I havent forgotten and isnt that sort of the same thing?

I dont know, I think if you forgive someone generally you shouldnt treat them differently than before hand. Prayers would be great.

Love you all

My Blog is back

Well at least for now,

I stopped it for two reasons really.

First was because I became more and more aware that I could (and most possibly would) use it to vent about me and Nick and our journey together and I dont really think that is fair on either me or Nick. (especially Nick.)

And Second was well, Im not very good and saying how Im feeling and what not (odd for someone that never shuts up) so I wrote it down, got people to read it as a method of not having to say it. Like my next post for example, its easier to ask people to pray about it than actually see people.

Dissertation writing and superstars

I dont want to go all mushy on you but Nick has been incredible. He has pretty much moved in this week. For the last few months I have been feeling like God has been wearing headphones but you know what God gave me him here on the days I needed him. I found out some very bad news and cried (a lot) and Nick was here. he made me sit down physically and write my dissertation which is possibly the largest pile of trash you have ever read but I am just glad it is done. Katie too oh little miss Katie who sends me bible verses everyday to lift my spirit she had no idea of anything that is going on but instead just wanted to support me by doing that. My daughter what a legend you have been. talking to me, loving me and looking after me. Telling me off when I have needed it. God hasn't had headphones on. I have had sunglasses on I couldnt see the blessings of support he has given me through all this rubbish.



I may be a bit down in the dumps and dealing with a lot but God has given me some geunine stars to help me out with it.

Leadership

On a previous Thursday I attended a leadership seminar at GBC.

Once Abe leaves, I am taking over Rock Solid (RNA) It is a scary thought to be honest. I have read a tonne of Leadership books, Picked Abes mind, Prayed loads (still more of that needed please) and tried my best to switch on my mind.

Joe is back from uni now. He has done Rock Solid since he was 15. He knows how the computer systems work and how the finances are managed. He wants to be a youth leader.

It really is scary. John asked on Thursday why some people are hesitant to become leaders. What was listed was literally everything that was and has been going through my mind. It made me laugh but also reassured me (moses and his resistance) actually that others go through it too. So yeah Joe might tick all the right boxes but God chose me.

I think God chooses the ones that are rusty around the edges because he can develop them more.

Im nervous just because I am in a postion where God can do great things but I am also in a place where if (or more appropriate when ) I take my eyes off of him I can do a lot of damage. Its really scary.

I really liked the Seminar. There were a good number of things I hadnt thought off that other peoples experiences had brought up. I think Gods got this.

I miss you

And Now for something a little bit happier

My dad walked outside to his garage without a crutch.

Take that you stupid doctors!!!!!

He even agreed with me that it could possibly have been all the people praying for him.

Its pretty much a medical miracle, but I think its a Jesus one.

I think my heart just might be a little bit broke

My Dad is Superman

I love my Dad. I always have been a daddy's girl. If I can be half the person he is I would be lucky.

I was thinking about how he always told me that I shouldn't be a youth leader or a teacher or anything like that. when I was 16 It was annoying and painful as I stupidly saw it that my Dad didnt want me to be happy but Actually the truth behind it is quite simply that

He see's potential in me to be more than that, to do more than that.

Don't get me wrong I will do whatever God wants me to do whether that means washing windows for the rest of my life (more on this later)

On Tuesday me and Dad went on are Annual shopping trip. I love spending time with him. He works loads (and so do I) so it is a real rare thing one on one time with him and I had a great time, we chatted and laughed and shopped.

The fact he was in a lot of pain (he has a bad leg) didnt matter especially when I made him walk in circles. He didnt even complain, he just wanted to make sure I was happy.

I was thinking about when I was a kid, all I ever wanted to do was (well to have a dog) and be like my dad. He kept secrets from my mum, comforted me, got angry for me and taught me how to use a milling machine as well as many other life lessons.

John spoke on Sunday how most young people look up to there parents. I love my Dad. Tonight If I am honest, I am worried about him. I'm worried about the future and the next few weeks but I am really pretty certain he is proberly worrying about me getting my uni work done on time.

Me and God

Me and God I dunno how good we are at the minute. I cant remember the last time I had quiet time with him or just truely reflected upon his word.

We are at least a step better than we were before half ten this morning. I'm no longer mad at him. (always a bonus)

This is awlful and I know it is but I always try to be honest and get prayer cover.

It just feels like I fit him into my day. Quiet time shoved in here, oh can you help me here, help them, Im driving time for a bit of worship.

Its no excuse, I can make tonnes of excuse's, my life is so go, go, go. This person wanted to talk to me. I overslept. It was too noisy, I spent my quiet time talking to this person who hadn't spoken to me in ages, uni work.

All that stuff, the rubbish, the work, the relationships. Jesus should be my centre point. he should be my reason for doing these things. I have given my life to Jesus so technically I should give him the every day.

I was working Saturday night, and the thought came into my mind about how all I ever seem to do is ask. Ask him to do stuff for me or others. It sounds silly (and is very hypercritically in light of some of my other posts - sorry) but how selfish. As the delirious? song goes I've longed to see the Roses but never felt the thorns.

Someone (and two of my mental images that god has given me recently)brought to my attention the need to stop. Stop thinking, Stop doing and just be. They used the words Robotic. They also used the words need to feel.

Only problem is I actually Cant. even when I watch Tv I figit. It takes me hours to go to sleep as my brain takes so long to drift off. I thought of the idea of tying all my limbs together, turning off all technology and just stopping, even when I pray, I get so distracted I start thinking about dinner. (like I did earlier)

It lead me to question why I am avoiding to be still?

The other issue is around pride. I hate that word it sounds dirty and sounds like what it means. When I type it I feel ashamed. Humility is much nicer like a hug. (more on that later)

I say it a lot...

I really do love my church.
What a fantastic bunch of people.

I love my family too.

Most of you know its the first christmas, we have been at home for in a long time. We are all adults now (well sort of) and to be honest I know how down my parents were that I was being forced (Because I am) to work over christmas so they couldn't go away. but it has really made me smile today as we all got really excited (and very silly) over cake making and tree decorating.

I am a right Scrooge. I hate the Lights, the presents (like giving, why do it once a year) santa, the stupid traditions and christmas music. So usually this sort of stuff was in the Rachel dictonary definition of torture.

but this year I really am loving it. I still hate the lights, the presents, santa and the rest. but I am actually really looking forward to a day spending time with my family and remembering what/who is in the name Christmas.

flirting and frolicing

Sex!!!



Its kinda everywhere.



I get the whole its a gift for marriage I do and I 100% back that belief and agree with it.



what baffles me is just how unwilling people are to talk about it (including myself) especially in christian circles. When it is mentioned it is in the abstinence until marriage context.



Its a vital part of our lifes, in many societies including the worlds view in England, sex is the door to adulthood. Its the inspiration behind great art. Its a natural thing.



So it just got me thinking why we arent comfortable about talking about it more.



(just to clarify I seriously belief the waiting for marriage is the right way to go its up to everyone else reading this to go investigate there bibles and make there own minds up)



Is it just that we are oh so very typical "British"? or something more? Why is it such a Taboo subject? Is it a Taboo subject still or is it just me picking up on these vibes?



I love Rob Bells book Sex God which talks about Sexuality and the Jesus perspective, i recommend it.

Words

Its amazing what one sentence can do for you.

During my Gap year I worked as a accountance firm. I worked 9 - 5 typing numbers and adding up. I worked there for eight months. For the first few months it was pure mind numming toture but as time went on I felt more comfortable, made an amazing bunch of friends and experienced what it was like to work in an office full time.

I got a voluntary position at a school in Stafford which was some of the most challenging months of my life. These kids had severe issues, like beyond imagination bad. (for those of you that dont know I got headbutted on my first day)

When I left my accountancey job, There was a party for me, I got cards and gifts and loads of hugs. My friend Billy told me to "go out and change the world." It was silly then, It was just words.

I ran into him at the cinema last week. He asked me how that was going? and it reminded me of that.

I thought it was just words at the time but I hold on to those words, when I think about how hard my job is or how fed up I am writing essays about subjects I dont particularly care about. To go out and change the world. I look at Rukingiri Modern Pre Primary school and remember that three years ago someone said some words that inspired me. (and still do)

Sunday/Monday

So during the mass of essay writing and my boredom of learning about things like the code of hammurabi (I know) I decided to catch up with my blogging I have nine unfinished blogs how bad is that.

Anyway Last Sunday,

I got up at a ridiculously early time and met one of my best friends at St Neots train Station to go into London for the day to go and see the last ever delirious? gig (or at least the last one for a while)

It was amazing. It was very emotional but really made me think how a band that has been around for 17 years has impacted my faith so much.

Lines of the songs have stuck in mind and influenced the way I see my father or put into words the feelings I have had in my heart.

My mind was flooded with memories of my life and how there songs had become a soundtrack to those moments. Whether it be my first time at Soul Survivor, Other concerts or in my own personal worship time.

Not only was the gig fantastic but the whole Day. It was just fun. it was freezing cold, my feet were beyond soaked and it tipped it down with rain but I really enjoyed hanging out with Jasper. We didnt do anything epic just avoided the rain by drinking coffee and jumping into HMV to avoid the rain, but it was lovely just spending some time with him and making jokes.

Monday was also epic,

I laid in until 10 which I was annoyed at myself about as it resulted in me missing my last Uni lecture of this term, but It gave me time to tackle one of my four essays. I then headed down to Watford to visit my Beautiful boy which as always was magic.

It was the drive back which I wanted to talk about, The M25 Northbound was closed as I headed home so I ended up driving the intire thing. It was really nice.

It was 4am but I found it really refreashing.

I just stopped running around like a hooligan and enjoyed the drive. It silly that it was 4am when I stopped and took some time for myself listening to Quench and The Cure. Talking to my Father and thinking about how many people I had just circled round.

I recommend it.

I am getting seriously bored about reading books on prostitutes and Foucault. Bring on Next June

What If...

I sometime wonder what if I hadn't become a christian?

What If I had gone to Roehampton insteed of taking a Gap Year?

What If me and Helen never made up from one of our countless arguements?

What If I had moved in with Penny and Aj?

What If I hadn't been in that car accident?

Im glad I did all these things and all these things happened. L

ife would be a lot more dull if they hadn't.

Stand up

I was surprised on Friday when someone stood up for me. It really took me by surprise.

Jesus stands up for me all the time.

I dont know why It came as such a shock and has been such a focus point in my mind. I have been thinking about it over and over again and replaying the scene in my head. It just seems such a foreign thing.

I can rememeber when Helen once stood up for me she had a baseball bat in her hands and she was threatening to phone the police. Abe stood up for me when I was accussed of stuff in the church that I had not done. It seems strange that it should be such a foreign thing. Having friends stand up for you. meh

Friends

After watching Helens Clip (love west wing) it made me think about friends and friendships.



I'm not the best one. I let Work and Uni prioritise my life. I let fear, insecurity and uncomfortableness creep into my friendships like a poision.



A very cool (legendary) 16 year old once told me that I see the bad in people, throw it away and hold on to the good.



They continued to talk about how much rubbish they put me through to see if I would still forget the bad and see the good for who they are.



I love this person and yeah he is a bit rusty round the edges at times but he is a generally awesome bloke.



It made me think more about my friendships with people how true friendships look past the rust.



I looked at friends where chandler kisses Joeys girlfriend and Joey (after chandler was made to live in a box for a day) seeing his friends sadness threw away his feelings because his friend mattered more.



I've been really annoyed at two people recently. (It isnt completely there fault in every friendship as its relational the blame is always at least partly on both sides.)



I heard God tell me today to let it go.



These people lied, broke promises, told secrets, said horrible things behind my back and Ignored me when I needed them.

These people (I love them) saw the rust and spat on it. They saw the act and judged. They didnt look beyond it nor care to look.

I realise by holding on to the grudge that I am doing the exact same thing.

I love these people and I am going to not let the wrongs they have done cloud my judgements at how good there hearts are.

Next Steps

It is not that I hate my Job. It is just really hard but today I was inspired.

I spend the majority of my time with two lads called Paul and Daniel both of which are around my age but both have severe mental problems.

The job is insanely stressful, both of them have no idea of how to behave in a 'normal' British social setting.

To give an example they are outwardly racist to people on public buses. I have had to deal with so many issues over the past few months.

But to these lads who have had every person in the world let them down, stolen from them, abused them. I have the greatest job in the world. I have an amazing opportunity to influence there lifes for the better. Me, Simon, Graham and Pam have the potential to help them, teach them and show them there worth.

Today Paul cooked and Daniel chose to eat an apple over crisps. These are there victories. Good on them!!!!

Look..

Look what God gave me the ability to do...

This is the school God built in Uganda. I built two classrooms in the right hand side on the ground with my team.

Im crying my eyes out. God is flipping amazing to let me have a part in his work over there. 600 kids now have a school. It is the most beautiful picture I have ever seen in my life. wow