I always knew that your past influenced your life as you got older but I had no idea to what a degree.
Don't get me wrong I think it is wrong to excuse behaviour because of your history but the history haunts you.
Every new step and adventure that you embark on reminds you of it or leaves you with more questions and issues around your past.
All the old, conflicting chains come back trying to hold you down, I know my God fights for me and I know he wins.
I am just impatient for it to be done with, to know God has freed me from this fully. To no longer be scared or hide away, to no longer feel so rubbish about myself that I want to ceist to exist. To no longer live to people please but live to please my God.
Its all connected. My doubts, My fear, My relationships and its in the fine imprints of my personality.
Bit by Bit he teaches me more about my past but yet I still need more to be discovered more healing to be done. Is it that I am holding on to it? Like a comfort blanket made out of barbed wire?
I have recently been reading a book called search for the father. I wouldnt say it is a book which deserves a literacy prize but its interesting and words two things really well
One is a great way of explaining the ruining the carpet moment at Momentum this year. It is described as an emotional earthquakes. I can relate to being left shaken and tired and to the feeling of the epicentre being painful and raw. The aftershocks came in the revelation that I hadn't known the pain existed.
I get constantly asked whether I'm angry. It would make sense to be in regards to all the humanal instincts we have. If I have all that built up emotional anger, it would make sense why I am still dealing with it.
But I have never had any negetive thought or feelings towards the individual I love them. I can't Judge them I don't have a right too. They were screwed up too. This person is generally amazing.
The other I wont quote but it also reconfirmed some points I have in my head that by holding on to it, I damage others and myself. ultimately though I also damage my relationship with God.
I do love blog writing it does an half help me discover my own answers to stuff.
Maybe I should be asking why? not why it happened, I can go around and around that little game in my head for years but Why I want it done with. My initial answer shamefully is so that I can live. Not so Ican go out and become the person God wants me to be. that should be my answer so that my relationship with God won't have this huge elephant in the room.
Another quite shameful answer I have gotten from writing this is that I haven't embraced the fact that I am made new in God when I became a christian. I held on to the old me with new teeth. I dont feel bold enough to write that its over with. but I do feel that this year will continue to be a journey of recovery, healing and revelations.
God has spoken over me words of freedom, life and love who am I to disagree?
Bring on the year.
