Love you lot

So Officially I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone in regards to the car situation.

Yes, I have it back.

Thanks to everyone for offers of money and lifts.

And a huge thank you for everyone who was praying for me regarding the situation too.

One of the many lessons God has taught me throughout it all is just how unbelievably blessed I am to attend a church with such an amazing bunch of people. I am so thankful to have such an incredible family and really just want to thank everyone for well everything. I dont know how I would have survived.

xxxxxxx

Working 9 to 5

Ok, so the hours in the title arent exactly correct but pretty much everyone can guess that this post is about my new job.

I started on Wednesday and so far its been brillent. I am working for an independent care centre called Next Steps who specialise in supporting people with disabilities living in there own homes.

There are two lads at the minute both with learning disabilities. It is really tiring (as in I dont think I have ever been so tired in my life) We are just there to help them become intergrated in society and just live there lifes the way they want too.

It is good fun but as at the moment the Huntingdon Branch is not yet a week old. There are only three staff members in. (There has to be two staff on at any one time and one of the lads requires 24 hour care) so I have gone massively over the twenty hours that I was aiming for. Hopefully it will settle down though when the other two staff start.

My parents have been seriously worried about me in regards to the amount of hours I have done this week. remember I started on Wednesday and I have done about 46 hours ish kind of insane.

It will settle down though. this week has been really hard just with trying to get everything done, (which I have failed miserably at)

but I have throughly enjoyed today, Church was brillent. We were looking at crossing the Jorden river which was really cool and I actually had a bit of a chat with god about it, which was good. More than likely see another blog about that one soon.

The rest of today was just relaxing really (ok, not quite) I tidied my room, cooked dinner, picked my brother up from Peterborough and attempted to chill out. I have had an amazing bath with chocolate, a glass of wine and a book. I am now snuggled up in bed writing this and texting the beautiful Roseanna and my friend Nick. (who is also beautiful)

Please Pray for

- energy
-That I get everyhing done and I keep a clear stress free head about it all and that I keep my eyes firmly on Jesus and dont get distracted by the ever growing uni work pile.

xxx

I have a friend...

I have a friend.

she is a beautiful person but I saw her face today and it broke my heart. You could see just how much she is hurting and she was trying to hide it.

I love this person. I see her as pretty much family. I am not quite sure where our friendship stands at the minute but I love her and if she wants to talk to me I will come running.

A five minute make a difference task...

So I was surfing today and I headed towards the open doors website. Now for those that dont know Open doors is a charity which was originally set up by Brother Andrew (LEGEND) to help the persecuted church.

Many of you (The youth that read this blog at least) have the walk with them green shoelaces.

In the august edition of there magazine I read about the alwful events of the violence in August last year in Orissa, India.

A 17 year old girl watched her family murdered, was captured, raped and then set on fire. Why? because she is a christian.

There are countless stories of individuals around the globe being put in prison, murdered, and being oppressed.

One man has a fine of £14,000 just because he was printing bibles.

God commanded us to be light to show the way to others, to say no to injustice, I'm crying because of what I am reading you would of thought with the horrors of the 2nd World War and the concentration camps that the world would have learnt its lesson in regards to tolerance of other religions.

On there website there are ways to help I have just written 7 letters. One to the Indian Prime Minister, One to my local MP, and the others are to Christian brothers and sisters who are in prison or whose spose/son are in prison and supporting them through such times.

It literally takes five minutes. If you have time check it out.

the website is http://www.opendoorsuk.org/ click campaign or write and take five minutes and support our brothers and sisters.

looking at there website

Weekend

This post has absolutley no point other than sharing to the world how fantastic my weekend has been.

Friday night was the first Rock Solid back from the Summer, which was amazing. Once again God surprises me and shows how much I should not judge people around me. We had the Labrinth and I really thought that being the first week back and the impressions of how hyper some of the lads were in the first ten minutes I really thought they wouldn't take it seriously and mess about. (there was even thoughts that the church may be burnt down) but honestly they really got stuck into it. There were a great deal of revelations.

Daisy Alexander really made my Day when she handed me a bible with a note in it.

Those guys never seist to amaze me. God is using them and is turning them all into such incredible women and men of God. It is a privledge to watch.

Saturday was mainly spent hanging out with Penny and getting ready for Amie's James Bond ball in the evening. It was awesome. I got chatting to some really amazing people. God really revealed himself to me this evening through complete strangers.

I wore (for those of you that care) a full length black evening dress and I felt pretty (is a rare thing people) . The strangers really boosted my low self esteem in the way I look that I seemed to have adopted.

I got asked to dance, and just various comments and conversation really were lovely (and surprising to here) It was nice just to talk to people and go to a party. Thank you so much Amie for inviting me and being so lovely.

Sunday was mental left Amie's at 8.45 to catch a bus which then turned into two. I honestly didnt think it was possible to take 3 hours to get myself to Godmanchester. (usually a mere 40 minutes)

Church was good. I really love looking into Joshua in depth. It had some really great points which is leaving me meditating on it more and more. I cant wait until next week when we are looking a Rahab (I think)

Bit gutted I could make it to Katies Baptism today but been praying for her the last two weeks and I got her a little something. I heard it was brillent.

I then pegged it home and went to the BBC Radio 2 ABBA concert with my mum. If I am honest I was really skeptical about it but mum really wanted to go and no one would go with her. I loved it. We were surrounded by a great bunch of people (again strangers who really made the day) It is possibly one of the best gigs I have ever been too.

Oh and the missing person has appeared again well one of them

Anyway tommorrow is my induction day for my new job so prayers would be greatly appresiated x

Church

This is a sensitive topic for many. Myself included.

Especially over the past three years GBC has hurt me alot. I dont want to point fingers and like every situation blame is on both sides.

I had very high expectations on what GBC would be like when I was in a place of responsibility and I have a huge lack of knowledge of how things work, which led to me confused and baffled originally and even more so when I was disheartened and unencouraged.

You have proberly noticed (and I do bang on about it a lot) how there is nothing for people 18+ at GBC nor in the majority of churches.

One thing I have learnt over the past few months is I can complain all I like, I can wag my fingers and stamp my feet until they fall off but, whats the point? Why don't I insteed put my energy into something positive.

so that is exactly what I am doing (well, we). Me, Abbi and my darling Jess are forming a prayer triplet (I dont know how else to describe it). Im (ridiculously) excited about it. It is a chance to be able to grow and be challenged in my peer group with people with similar issues to myself.

The reason (for those that are interested) I ended up not leaving GBC was that a very wise young lad made me realise that Church isn't about me or what I get out of it. (you should be able to take stuff away with you/leave stuff behind/grow/be challenged/have fellowship that is important) but that shouldn't be why I go.

I go because I have an opportunity to serve others in the church, whether that means holding a nail while a small child smacks my hand with a hammer or just share fellowship. To show people that I love them and I care for them. To show that Jesus loves them and Cares about them

The perfect church doesnt exist because perfect people dont. The church can disappoint, hurt, damage. It can be unencouraging, lonely, boring and painful but it can also be an incredible place for love to shine when we let it.

Im pretty useless but God will use that he will do something with it. I have no idea what or how and I am 99% of the time baffled by him but you know I think I am meant to be.

Im not saying its right, it is just some incoherant thoughts about my motivations and my reflections of the past few years that have been in my head this week.

So next week, I will stand there hold a nail, give a small child a hammer again because one day God will show them how to aim and one day they may build someone a house, a classroom or even a church and show someone else some of Jesus's love.

Green Eyed Monster

I think I have drawn upon this briefly on a previous blog.

I have been struggling recently from feelings of Envy and resentment for the choices I made for God three years ago. Choices like staying at GBC for a gap year and staying at home for University.

I see my friends who have gone of to university and have had the adventure of there lifes. I have seen them grow not only spiritually but as people. I have seen them building lifelong friendships, go on crazy wild nights out, and be challenged as 21 year olds in there faith by stuff that applies to them.

It is not that I have not loved the past three years I have, I have had the greatest blessings bestode upon my life. I have made the greatest friends and had some pretty incredible adventures (there arent many people who have managed to get kicked out of Tesco's twice) but still I was left with resentment like feelings towards the decisions I was made.

I chose to stick around. god told me too. I went to the worse university I could have possibly gone too when actually when I got into 2 top 10 universities. I stayed living at home watching one by one as all my friends left. I stayed in a church (which at the time) I thought did not challenge me or let me grow all because God told me too, while my brother went travelling around the world, my friends had experiences that I dream about.

It is not that I would change it I wouldnt for the world just when you see your friends having the experiences, the responsibility, the relationships that you long for it is hard not to question your decisions.

Anyway me and God had a chat about this and he reminded me of a bible verse that Joe gave me when I got baptised. Jeremiah 29 v11

He has a plan for my life. One that is a beautiful plan. It is not the same as any of my other friends that I am envious of, It is a Unique one. It is a plan fit for my life and for the work that God has commissioned for me I should not be envious that other people get different adventures than me because well God has given me some pretty awesome ones and will give me a few more. they are no greater or worse than anyone others

Yeah, I get down but I think that the lonliness I feel is related to this but it also my need to be content and remember how blessed I really am.

Please pray that I remember this and that these feelings do not come back.

Quoting the movie Ghost Town here

"We just get the one life, you know. Just one. You can't live someone else's or think it's more important just because it's more dramatic. What happens matters. May be only to us, but it matters"

Easier to Run

Yes, I realise I have just titled my blog after a Linken Park tune.

I am generally one that tends to run away from my feelings. If I am hurting or annoyed I never really say. It annoys a lot of my friends as in a sense I understand why it could be really frustrating. It could be weeks before they find out about something I have been struggling with. to some degree you could even go as far to say that I am never really honest with them.

Generally, If stuff hurts why go through the pain of dealing with it? It is easier to run away and avoid it. To cover it up, to put it as far away as you possibly can inside yourself. I find myself not wanting to deal with situations.

I am brillent at this.I think I am the worlds champion of running away from my emotions.

In a sense this could relate to Jonah. physically you could run away (avoid everything that associates with it or may make you deal with it) or you can do it emotionally. You can bottle it up in the emotion bottle in your heart.

Sooner or later though God will stop you from running. (he may not always use a whale) He doesn't do this because he dislikes us or wants us to go through pain he does it because he wants us to have a full life.

Me and Joe had a chat at Momentum about my resilience to express my emotions, and once again he reminded me of the fact that eventually it always comes out.

I made a pretty beefy mistake a week ago which I am now (trying) to deal with the consequences. As always I have tried to keep it under the carpet only letting the selected few know what is going on (and explain why I am going loopy.)

However, Last night I exploded. I threw the lie and the mask away that everything was alright and bawled my eyes out on my brothers bed. I was honest with my family about my feelings something I have not done for years. (not like that actually)

It was not pretty, (I, definatly did not feel pretty) but I feel so much better now. Since I released some of my emotion, since I stood my ground and began to deal. I can begin to put the situation right (if I can) I can start healing.

p.s. my family have been fantastic I love them so much and are so blessed to have them.

Battleground

Generally I find when God teaches you or shows you something important the devil tries to stop you from applying your new found knowledge or gifting for heavens work.

I have had this recently, I have put myself in a position where I was open to my good old self esteem issues.

'No one will ever love me like that, how could they?'

'Whats the point? Im useless'

Because of this situation I slept for a total of 52 hours which if I am honest was pretty impressive laziness. I wanted to avoid the world and everyone in it (sorry) Sleep was a method to avoid the pain. If i am asleep I cant feel. Sleep in good.

Today and Sunday (although I was trying my best to hold it all together) I was reminded at the fact that I was Unique. Beautifully Unique. There is no one like me, no one who looks like Rachel, no one whose personality is like mine and no one whose light shines just like mine.

So instead of delving into a world of self-pity for yet another week. I am going to attempt to pull myself together and remember that I may not be beautiful like the rest of the world but I have beauty in my uniqueness and one day maybe just maybe someone may fall in love with that uniqueness.

How he see's me?

I asked God to show me how he saw me.

It was interesting to say the least.

So apparently I am like Nala (the female lion from the lion king.)

A dreamer, a fighter for justice, beautiful and strong.

I am also a princess - compassionate and caring.

Proberly the most werid and the most exciting for myself is the word Unique

not unique in the sense that I am werid, but unique as in there is no one else like me. I stand out I am special. Im beautiful because of that uniqueness.

Insecurity

I realised I wrote a lot of previous blogs around this topic. While I was growing up I had a great deal of words said over me.



There is that phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" that phrase is a lie.



Words do more damage. I was called worthless. I was told that I was not loved. I was told that I was ugly. I was told and treated that I was useless and would never amount to anything.


I wrote a series of letters while I was at momentum to various people about various things. One of which is below.

You said I was Ugly

God Says I'm Beautiful

You said I was worthless

Jesus proved that I was worth something

You said I was unlovable

I am loved by God

You said I was useless

Through God I can do anything

You said I would never amount to anything

God has a plan for my life

You said I didnt deserve life

I was given a whole one

These are all words. These things roll around my head like bowling balls. The point being every word that was spoken over me was a lie. The Bible backs up this fact. So now I am standing tall in the truth. Fighting the lies that were said over me knowing that when I stand with Jesus. the lies are just lies. The words of the lies are empty.

movie moments last a lifetime

There is an advert currently on sky movies displaying a lot of movie moments and how HD makes them better. I think that is a load of tosh.

I love films. I wouldnt say it was completely down to our love of movies but me and Jasper bonded orginally over that. The reason I love them is the good ones can completely alter your viewpoint, mood or perspective on something.

Great movies and great movie moments can change you forever. here are a few of mine. (this list is written purely out of boredom and the need for all who are reading this to see these films)

The end scene of Shawshank redemption - Where Red shows up and meets Andy on the Beach. It is a beautiful moment and so full of contrast to the prison. It really is such a brillent movie.

Dunkirk scene in Atonement. It literally breaks my heart. The music is beautiful and just ties a knot in your gut.

The shower scene in Shindlers list - A group of Jewish women go in and think they are about to be gased. It is proberly one of the most heart racing moments of cinema I have ever seen.

Casablanca - the end at the airport where Rick says goodbye to Ilsa. It is voted one of the most romantic moments in film ever.

Another sloppy girly film - Breakfast at tiffanys just the last scene- Holly shouting "cat" in the rain.

Session 9 - Barely anyone has ever heard of this movie but there is one moment where Jeff is running away from 'the killer' and the lights are going off behind him. I was literally shouting at the screen.

'Frankly my dear i dont give a damn' Gone with the wind it is such a fantastic movie (flipping long) but well worth it for that moment alone.

Psycho - the freaking shower scene definatly one of the most scary moments ever. I had some serious fears showering after watching that film.

Anyway enough of me babbling on Penny has finished her shower now so time to jazz

Fear and all that jazz

Some people are scared of Spiders, some are snakes.

I get my intense dislike of Rats from my mother. generally this fear is amplified for comidic effect.

But Fear can change the most decent, intelligent human being into a complete fool. It can turn the most loving siblings into warring tribes.


Now if any of you know me well enough, you will note that proberly my biggest fear is being vulnerable. Some risks I am comfortable in taking (putting self out there for public humiliation) others not so much.


At Momentum this year there reached a point where I could either run or stand strong and face my demons.


I could say here that I waited until my friends knew infomation before I surrendered the situation to God.

That would be a lie.

It was because I was scared. I ran away.

I Finally surrended and let go on his third try.

I find myself moaning and complaining that my life is not all I want it to be. I find myself still not content, still searching and still facing the struggles I have had for the past 4 years. Maybe it is not because God is not suffient but perhaps I still havent surrendered all of myself to him.

God makes us Vunerable. He wants to get close to the real us. He gave us his all and sometimes he just asks that we stand that we take the lid off from our emotional jar and knock the walls down that restrains our hearts that scares us that makes us want to run away.

But I will tell you something its scary, it hurts, its messy but it is well worth it. It is worth it.

A love like...

When I wa younger I used to love movies like 'Free Willy' or 'The Call of the Wild' (and yes when it was on TV the other day I did watch it)

While I was growing up I was a pretty lonely kid. My parents worked a great deal, my brother and I never really saw eye to eye, Igot bullied loads and never really had any lasting friendships.

I always longed for a love that defied understanding. (im sure you all know where I am going with this one)

In this films the relationships never made sense, Animal (dangerous) befriends boy (lost) go on adventure lasting love that defys everything and all logic.

The Logic of the world says that god doesn't exist. Logic would say that god could take away pain and if he loved us he would.

Screw Logic!!! Logic says I am worthless and useless. Logic said i would never get into University. Logic is a Liar.

Love says I am worth a hek of a lot. Love makes sense of there relationships and love see's a dangerous being help a lost child become found.

If you have seen the films it is not easy and the love they face encounters loads of hardship. (sometimes even a few guns) but it always wins.

Love will win

A new me

All my life I have had to do lists. long ones. people to meet, things to do, books to read, films to watch.

no matter how much I would do the list grew. I would endevour like anything to acheive the list to even make a dent in it but it continued to grow. I spent so long scribbling on bits of paper (killing a lot of tree's) that I missed it.

I missed the point.

I have a lot of selfish desires, dreams and plans for my life that I gave to God at the beginning of my time at GBC (three years ago) and I am now dealing with my own thoughts of what if's and what would of happened now which god is dealing with. Most of my What If's are ridiculous and as much as some of the decision I made broke my heart (and many others) I would not want to change a single one.

Apart from this there is one thing in particular I have learnt from it all. Something I have missed. Missed throughout my intire life and my three years here. something I hadn't realised. I always knew it but never really realised.

Life is outside, adventure, fun, education is outside. outside the four walls that make up my bedroom.

I could learn loads about history. become an expert on Tony and Ridley Scott movies but never experience the adventures that make them.

We can read the bible how Daniel slayed Giants but never slay our own, we can read and learn about faith that could move the mountains but what good is it if we never step out and put our faith into action.

Jesus died so we could live he gave us free will.

he gave us the choice to sit inside our church buildings listening to sermon upon sermon and never taking action. he gave us the choice to sit around not bothering, he gave us the choice to let fear, self image and our selfishness control us.

He gave me the choice.

I choose him. no more lies, no more being held back by fear, no more stupid masks. no more Insecurity. (see following post)

I choose a new me through him.

So why the new Blog???

I have been praying and considering doing this for a while.

I am in much need for growing up, I am 21 years old and most of the time I act like I am 18 this is for many reasons most my own fault but that is where I am at.

A great deal has changed in the past year in me and I am excited what this following year will bring. so a new blog for a new me.

(definition on a new me later)