Forgiveness and What not

So a lot has been going on. I mean the last time I wrote anything on here was January. So lets cover the last two weeks.

I went for something that seemed like my dream job and worked out I wasn't good enough to get it. My Fiancee moved into my house and started his new job. I graduated and worked out roughly where I am meant to be heading in life (me and nicks 5 year plan) went to my first counselling appointment to sort out well the past stuff, I have slowly even been learning how to voice my insecurity (which has possibly be driving charlie and Nick mad) and was at least going a bit in the right direction.

On Wednesday at work one of the severely mentally disabled guys I work with tried to rape me.

Now this poor guy has no understanding of anything bless him so please don't get your pitchforks at the ready. It really wasnt his fault and he really didnt understand.

I just don't know if I can go back into the house to work with him again.

My job requires me to have a level of professionalism. I need to go in being for him and supporting him and If I feel scared, nervous and uncomfortable around him in such a high level its going to be incredibly hard to do my job. I'm trying to forgive him and forget so I can go back to normal but I just cant shake the feeling of him on my skin. Its making me sick just thinking about it. I know it is an attack from the devil to some degree. It cant be coincidence that within a week of going to see someone about sorting out previous stuff I get more. Its raw and I don't want to talk about it and go into epic detail. I just go from yelling at God in tears to rational thinking back to breaking down every ten minutes.

The thing is it has kinda destroyed all my hope about, well everything. Me and Nick getting married (like we are going to be able to afford it) money (work so hard we practically kill ourselves) being set free from burdens of the past (well we just added to that didn't we) moving forward in life (stuck on pause because I cant get a job that I actually want to do.)

I just feel let down by God. I know he is there, he always is. Im just tired of attempting to keep my head above water. Im exhausted and just need some space away from everything.

I realise this is so self pitying this attitude of mine and I apologise for it, but I just can't seem to shake it.

At Momentum, We were hearing incredible God led sermons one of which was on forgiveness and becoming more Christ like. Mike p was being all charming and well Mike P like and he told this incredible story all about forgiveness.

After the apartheid regime at one of the truth and reconciliation commissions, a leader of a attack on the black community raided a household and murdered a man, and 2 others with a machete before taking away 2 young girls, raping them then eventually set one of them on fire until she was ashes and buried the other alive.

This man went to the commission to admit his wrong doing and to seek justice and forgiveness for his part to play in this. The commission were set to say his punishment (usually a prison sentence, financial payment or something done to benefit victims if they were known) but a lady in the room got up and went to the man, kissed his tears away and crying herself told the man that he had murdered her family. She thanked him for his honesty and forgave the man publicly in Jesus's name. She asked the commission that his only punishment be that he was to join her for dinner and that he if he could remember take her to where her children were buried so she should give them a proper funeral.

The bible talks a lot about us picking up our cross and following Jesus. It talks about us giving up our life's. To die and become more like Christ. This lady died a little that day and by doing so became a bit more like him.

I'm wondering if I'm going to have the strength to do the same. Especially when God feels a thousand miles a way. I know if I lean on Gods strength I can do anything. By forgiving this lad and going back to work like nothing happened will glorify God amazingly but at the same time could repress more junk and be really unhealthy for me with all the stuff Im trying to deal with anyway (that sounds so selfish.)

Will God protect me from that if I forgive in his name?

I do care about this guy, I dont want any harm to come of him and I want all the best for him but does that mean I have forgiven him?

If I go back in and be wary does that mean I havent forgiven him but more that I havent forgotten and isnt that sort of the same thing?

I dont know, I think if you forgive someone generally you shouldnt treat them differently than before hand. Prayers would be great.

Love you all

My Blog is back

Well at least for now,

I stopped it for two reasons really.

First was because I became more and more aware that I could (and most possibly would) use it to vent about me and Nick and our journey together and I dont really think that is fair on either me or Nick. (especially Nick.)

And Second was well, Im not very good and saying how Im feeling and what not (odd for someone that never shuts up) so I wrote it down, got people to read it as a method of not having to say it. Like my next post for example, its easier to ask people to pray about it than actually see people.