And Now for something a little bit happier

My dad walked outside to his garage without a crutch.

Take that you stupid doctors!!!!!

He even agreed with me that it could possibly have been all the people praying for him.

Its pretty much a medical miracle, but I think its a Jesus one.

I think my heart just might be a little bit broke

My Dad is Superman

I love my Dad. I always have been a daddy's girl. If I can be half the person he is I would be lucky.

I was thinking about how he always told me that I shouldn't be a youth leader or a teacher or anything like that. when I was 16 It was annoying and painful as I stupidly saw it that my Dad didnt want me to be happy but Actually the truth behind it is quite simply that

He see's potential in me to be more than that, to do more than that.

Don't get me wrong I will do whatever God wants me to do whether that means washing windows for the rest of my life (more on this later)

On Tuesday me and Dad went on are Annual shopping trip. I love spending time with him. He works loads (and so do I) so it is a real rare thing one on one time with him and I had a great time, we chatted and laughed and shopped.

The fact he was in a lot of pain (he has a bad leg) didnt matter especially when I made him walk in circles. He didnt even complain, he just wanted to make sure I was happy.

I was thinking about when I was a kid, all I ever wanted to do was (well to have a dog) and be like my dad. He kept secrets from my mum, comforted me, got angry for me and taught me how to use a milling machine as well as many other life lessons.

John spoke on Sunday how most young people look up to there parents. I love my Dad. Tonight If I am honest, I am worried about him. I'm worried about the future and the next few weeks but I am really pretty certain he is proberly worrying about me getting my uni work done on time.

Me and God

Me and God I dunno how good we are at the minute. I cant remember the last time I had quiet time with him or just truely reflected upon his word.

We are at least a step better than we were before half ten this morning. I'm no longer mad at him. (always a bonus)

This is awlful and I know it is but I always try to be honest and get prayer cover.

It just feels like I fit him into my day. Quiet time shoved in here, oh can you help me here, help them, Im driving time for a bit of worship.

Its no excuse, I can make tonnes of excuse's, my life is so go, go, go. This person wanted to talk to me. I overslept. It was too noisy, I spent my quiet time talking to this person who hadn't spoken to me in ages, uni work.

All that stuff, the rubbish, the work, the relationships. Jesus should be my centre point. he should be my reason for doing these things. I have given my life to Jesus so technically I should give him the every day.

I was working Saturday night, and the thought came into my mind about how all I ever seem to do is ask. Ask him to do stuff for me or others. It sounds silly (and is very hypercritically in light of some of my other posts - sorry) but how selfish. As the delirious? song goes I've longed to see the Roses but never felt the thorns.

Someone (and two of my mental images that god has given me recently)brought to my attention the need to stop. Stop thinking, Stop doing and just be. They used the words Robotic. They also used the words need to feel.

Only problem is I actually Cant. even when I watch Tv I figit. It takes me hours to go to sleep as my brain takes so long to drift off. I thought of the idea of tying all my limbs together, turning off all technology and just stopping, even when I pray, I get so distracted I start thinking about dinner. (like I did earlier)

It lead me to question why I am avoiding to be still?

The other issue is around pride. I hate that word it sounds dirty and sounds like what it means. When I type it I feel ashamed. Humility is much nicer like a hug. (more on that later)

I say it a lot...

I really do love my church.
What a fantastic bunch of people.

I love my family too.

Most of you know its the first christmas, we have been at home for in a long time. We are all adults now (well sort of) and to be honest I know how down my parents were that I was being forced (Because I am) to work over christmas so they couldn't go away. but it has really made me smile today as we all got really excited (and very silly) over cake making and tree decorating.

I am a right Scrooge. I hate the Lights, the presents (like giving, why do it once a year) santa, the stupid traditions and christmas music. So usually this sort of stuff was in the Rachel dictonary definition of torture.

but this year I really am loving it. I still hate the lights, the presents, santa and the rest. but I am actually really looking forward to a day spending time with my family and remembering what/who is in the name Christmas.

flirting and frolicing

Sex!!!



Its kinda everywhere.



I get the whole its a gift for marriage I do and I 100% back that belief and agree with it.



what baffles me is just how unwilling people are to talk about it (including myself) especially in christian circles. When it is mentioned it is in the abstinence until marriage context.



Its a vital part of our lifes, in many societies including the worlds view in England, sex is the door to adulthood. Its the inspiration behind great art. Its a natural thing.



So it just got me thinking why we arent comfortable about talking about it more.



(just to clarify I seriously belief the waiting for marriage is the right way to go its up to everyone else reading this to go investigate there bibles and make there own minds up)



Is it just that we are oh so very typical "British"? or something more? Why is it such a Taboo subject? Is it a Taboo subject still or is it just me picking up on these vibes?



I love Rob Bells book Sex God which talks about Sexuality and the Jesus perspective, i recommend it.

Words

Its amazing what one sentence can do for you.

During my Gap year I worked as a accountance firm. I worked 9 - 5 typing numbers and adding up. I worked there for eight months. For the first few months it was pure mind numming toture but as time went on I felt more comfortable, made an amazing bunch of friends and experienced what it was like to work in an office full time.

I got a voluntary position at a school in Stafford which was some of the most challenging months of my life. These kids had severe issues, like beyond imagination bad. (for those of you that dont know I got headbutted on my first day)

When I left my accountancey job, There was a party for me, I got cards and gifts and loads of hugs. My friend Billy told me to "go out and change the world." It was silly then, It was just words.

I ran into him at the cinema last week. He asked me how that was going? and it reminded me of that.

I thought it was just words at the time but I hold on to those words, when I think about how hard my job is or how fed up I am writing essays about subjects I dont particularly care about. To go out and change the world. I look at Rukingiri Modern Pre Primary school and remember that three years ago someone said some words that inspired me. (and still do)

Sunday/Monday

So during the mass of essay writing and my boredom of learning about things like the code of hammurabi (I know) I decided to catch up with my blogging I have nine unfinished blogs how bad is that.

Anyway Last Sunday,

I got up at a ridiculously early time and met one of my best friends at St Neots train Station to go into London for the day to go and see the last ever delirious? gig (or at least the last one for a while)

It was amazing. It was very emotional but really made me think how a band that has been around for 17 years has impacted my faith so much.

Lines of the songs have stuck in mind and influenced the way I see my father or put into words the feelings I have had in my heart.

My mind was flooded with memories of my life and how there songs had become a soundtrack to those moments. Whether it be my first time at Soul Survivor, Other concerts or in my own personal worship time.

Not only was the gig fantastic but the whole Day. It was just fun. it was freezing cold, my feet were beyond soaked and it tipped it down with rain but I really enjoyed hanging out with Jasper. We didnt do anything epic just avoided the rain by drinking coffee and jumping into HMV to avoid the rain, but it was lovely just spending some time with him and making jokes.

Monday was also epic,

I laid in until 10 which I was annoyed at myself about as it resulted in me missing my last Uni lecture of this term, but It gave me time to tackle one of my four essays. I then headed down to Watford to visit my Beautiful boy which as always was magic.

It was the drive back which I wanted to talk about, The M25 Northbound was closed as I headed home so I ended up driving the intire thing. It was really nice.

It was 4am but I found it really refreashing.

I just stopped running around like a hooligan and enjoyed the drive. It silly that it was 4am when I stopped and took some time for myself listening to Quench and The Cure. Talking to my Father and thinking about how many people I had just circled round.

I recommend it.

I am getting seriously bored about reading books on prostitutes and Foucault. Bring on Next June

What If...

I sometime wonder what if I hadn't become a christian?

What If I had gone to Roehampton insteed of taking a Gap Year?

What If me and Helen never made up from one of our countless arguements?

What If I had moved in with Penny and Aj?

What If I hadn't been in that car accident?

Im glad I did all these things and all these things happened. L

ife would be a lot more dull if they hadn't.

Stand up

I was surprised on Friday when someone stood up for me. It really took me by surprise.

Jesus stands up for me all the time.

I dont know why It came as such a shock and has been such a focus point in my mind. I have been thinking about it over and over again and replaying the scene in my head. It just seems such a foreign thing.

I can rememeber when Helen once stood up for me she had a baseball bat in her hands and she was threatening to phone the police. Abe stood up for me when I was accussed of stuff in the church that I had not done. It seems strange that it should be such a foreign thing. Having friends stand up for you. meh

Friends

After watching Helens Clip (love west wing) it made me think about friends and friendships.



I'm not the best one. I let Work and Uni prioritise my life. I let fear, insecurity and uncomfortableness creep into my friendships like a poision.



A very cool (legendary) 16 year old once told me that I see the bad in people, throw it away and hold on to the good.



They continued to talk about how much rubbish they put me through to see if I would still forget the bad and see the good for who they are.



I love this person and yeah he is a bit rusty round the edges at times but he is a generally awesome bloke.



It made me think more about my friendships with people how true friendships look past the rust.



I looked at friends where chandler kisses Joeys girlfriend and Joey (after chandler was made to live in a box for a day) seeing his friends sadness threw away his feelings because his friend mattered more.



I've been really annoyed at two people recently. (It isnt completely there fault in every friendship as its relational the blame is always at least partly on both sides.)



I heard God tell me today to let it go.



These people lied, broke promises, told secrets, said horrible things behind my back and Ignored me when I needed them.

These people (I love them) saw the rust and spat on it. They saw the act and judged. They didnt look beyond it nor care to look.

I realise by holding on to the grudge that I am doing the exact same thing.

I love these people and I am going to not let the wrongs they have done cloud my judgements at how good there hearts are.

Next Steps

It is not that I hate my Job. It is just really hard but today I was inspired.

I spend the majority of my time with two lads called Paul and Daniel both of which are around my age but both have severe mental problems.

The job is insanely stressful, both of them have no idea of how to behave in a 'normal' British social setting.

To give an example they are outwardly racist to people on public buses. I have had to deal with so many issues over the past few months.

But to these lads who have had every person in the world let them down, stolen from them, abused them. I have the greatest job in the world. I have an amazing opportunity to influence there lifes for the better. Me, Simon, Graham and Pam have the potential to help them, teach them and show them there worth.

Today Paul cooked and Daniel chose to eat an apple over crisps. These are there victories. Good on them!!!!

Look..

Look what God gave me the ability to do...

This is the school God built in Uganda. I built two classrooms in the right hand side on the ground with my team.

Im crying my eyes out. God is flipping amazing to let me have a part in his work over there. 600 kids now have a school. It is the most beautiful picture I have ever seen in my life. wow

yet another one

Ok, so yet another prayer request.

A distant family member came to my house to stay for the weekend and borrowed a Christian book, which is really cool as she usually screws her nose up at anything religious.

She also stated that next time she came down she would come to GBC with me which is extremely exciting. please pray into this.

Wild horses

God put a picture in my head of a wild horse, running chasing the wind. (It was beautiful I tried drawing it but I can't do it justice)

He told me that I am like this wild horse always running never just being still. I can't catch the wind.

Please Pray

For some reason I fidget, I think, I sing. I do everything and anything to avoid silence and stillness. I have a feeling what this relates too but also I don't know how to stop. I need God's help.

Its a long one

I always knew that your past influenced your life as you got older but I had no idea to what a degree.

Don't get me wrong I think it is wrong to excuse behaviour because of your history but the history haunts you.

Every new step and adventure that you embark on reminds you of it or leaves you with more questions and issues around your past.

All the old, conflicting chains come back trying to hold you down, I know my God fights for me and I know he wins.

I am just impatient for it to be done with, to know God has freed me from this fully. To no longer be scared or hide away, to no longer feel so rubbish about myself that I want to ceist to exist. To no longer live to people please but live to please my God.

Its all connected. My doubts, My fear, My relationships and its in the fine imprints of my personality.

Bit by Bit he teaches me more about my past but yet I still need more to be discovered more healing to be done. Is it that I am holding on to it? Like a comfort blanket made out of barbed wire?

I have recently been reading a book called search for the father. I wouldnt say it is a book which deserves a literacy prize but its interesting and words two things really well

One is a great way of explaining the ruining the carpet moment at Momentum this year. It is described as an emotional earthquakes. I can relate to being left shaken and tired and to the feeling of the epicentre being painful and raw. The aftershocks came in the revelation that I hadn't known the pain existed.

I get constantly asked whether I'm angry. It would make sense to be in regards to all the humanal instincts we have. If I have all that built up emotional anger, it would make sense why I am still dealing with it.

But I have never had any negetive thought or feelings towards the individual I love them. I can't Judge them I don't have a right too. They were screwed up too. This person is generally amazing.

The other I wont quote but it also reconfirmed some points I have in my head that by holding on to it, I damage others and myself. ultimately though I also damage my relationship with God.

I do love blog writing it does an half help me discover my own answers to stuff.

Maybe I should be asking why? not why it happened, I can go around and around that little game in my head for years but Why I want it done with. My initial answer shamefully is so that I can live. Not so Ican go out and become the person God wants me to be. that should be my answer so that my relationship with God won't have this huge elephant in the room.

Another quite shameful answer I have gotten from writing this is that I haven't embraced the fact that I am made new in God when I became a christian. I held on to the old me with new teeth. I dont feel bold enough to write that its over with. but I do feel that this year will continue to be a journey of recovery, healing and revelations.

God has spoken over me words of freedom, life and love who am I to disagree?

Bring on the year.

Sasquatch/Bells

Your Superwomen.

Im so proud of you.

I love that we can turn our sucky days into a game but you always win cos my day is no longer sucky cos I get to talk to you.

Know its hard but your doing amazing. xxxxx

what the future will hold

In the past two and a half weeks, 13 people have asked me what I want to do with my life?



I usually wouldn't have counted but the question has come up so often now that I can tell from signs that this question is coming.



Honestly I have no idea. People get a label put round there neck when you choose your Job Profession. Its part of how you describe yourself to others and how others describe you.



I was thinking seriously about being a youth leader last year but now I screw my nose up. part is because I have been so disheartened by others response to me in that role that I now dont think Im cut out for it nor want to do it. (dont get me wrong, Taking part in the youth work at GBC has been one of the biggest blessings of my life) The other is because I love all people in my church. I love the adults and the children and the elderly. By becoming a youth worker/pastor that defines me to a specific group. (they are a flipping awesome group at that) but is that the only people I want to stand beside.



The next is a missionary. Something I have been thinking more and more apon recently since Uganda. This at the minute is my most probable option after uni. but is that what my career is going to be on the long term. What about the personal side of it? the leaving of loved ones for years at a time. If God sends me I will go no matter the cost but my heart will break a thousand times over leaving my loved ones for such a length.



The next is a government official. paperwork pushing behind a desk. Quite clearly here the answer is no. not a shot. I would rather live in a cardboard box with pet Rats. (and I hate Rats)



What about this care Job? Maybe for another couple of months but as a commitment on the long term. No I am not happy as it is. The work comes home with you. I have had three phone calls tonight and its my day off regarding issues and paperwork.



Do I carry on studying? Doctor Rachel Storey doesnt quite sound right. plus Financial issues and to do what.



Do I go to bible college that I have always kind of wanted too. Again Finance and what then after that and to do what?



so the honest answer is I dont have a clue there is far to many options open to me. Ok, yeah the sensible option is to get some money behind me and then go and galivant. Even when I orginally chose my university options for UCAS (5 years ago now whoa) I had no idea and got so stressed with the pressure I just picked places that had a nice ring to there names not even really looking at where they were nor did I even look at the website. (Thanks to God for stopping me on that pathway) I hope to be a little bit more informed and sensible about the next life changing step of my life.



I am a little nervous as I proberly should have at least more of an idea than I currently do have.



A wise man once told me it doesn't matter what the future holds, I need to just remember who is holding it.



Im grasping on to those words with my finger nails at the minute during all this mass decision making process.



Please Pray that my eyes are open to God at this time.


Love to you all and i will keep you posted.

Uni

So as I am sure most of those that read this know, I am in my final year of University. (scary stuff have no idea where all the last two years have gone.)

I love Uni, as much as I moan about the workload. I will be seriously sad to finish.

I love going into uni and having my mindblown by theories about my country. (read Foucault)

I love the debates about housing, Prostitutes, Immigration and the role of the media.

I love reading books which just make you go wow which are written by people with ridiculous names.

I love the sunny days where I can lay on Parkers Peace drinking Beer and Studying at the same time.

I love late night snuggled on the sofa in the libary learning.

I love having Coffee with the girls and discussing whose the better lecturer.

I love the pressure, the late night panic when an assignment is due in the next day and the beautiful feeling when its finished.

I am kind of surprised to be thinking/feeling these things. Gods good. I've learnt a lot, grown up a lot and met some absolutely jaw droppingly inspirational people (This includes you Louise) I'm going to miss it. Once again I am glad I realised this a while before I leave it gives me a good amount of time to make the most of my time that is left.

Questions you ask yourself at 1am

Should I announce and explain my secrecy? Should I quit my job?

Why do I act that way? Why did I do that?

Was it real? Is it real?

Why do I expect the negative? Why do I doubt myself when I know its Jesus who is (or should be) in charge?

Why is it that the person who hurt me the most is the person I go to when i am in pain? Why do people at uni say I can do it where I am clearly falling far behind?

How can I help my parents? Have I really forgiven him or is it repressed?

Why when I was told it would never happen again it did? How can I put more personal Jesus time into my day?

Why am I still angry at someone? Should I dye my hair again?

I really want to drive up to Bristol and surprise my best friend (surprise ruined now) but When can I fit it in? What am i going to do?

I need to go to the dress makers for my fitting for my bridesmaid dress when can I do that?

When will my brother become a christian? Why is the bruise on my knee in the shape of Africa?

Why is she mad at me? Why can I not finish Great Expectations? (year of trying)

Are any of the things I like/dislike actually things I like or dislike or is it because of some personer I put on? Why does he like me?

How can I help a friend? If I quit my job will everything Financially be ok?

Would my Grandpa be proud? Am I missing it all?

Was there more than what I know? If yes huh?

Is he reading this? Do people actually read this rubbish?

sometimes I wish

I sometimes wish I had an on/off switch in my mind.


something that would stop me from thinking.



I just feel like sometimes I'm a balloon with so much pressure going on inside of me that Im going to go 'pop' at any second. Sometimes I wish it would all just go away so I could feel the silence. (tunage moment)


Sometimes I wish I had more time. Enough time to read all the books I have brought but "haven't got round to reading," more Time to meet friends for coffee "without worrying whether I am going to miss another appointment" Enough time to Pray for two yours solidly "without having to cut something out of my day" Enough time to go running like I used too or even to do some art.

Sometimes I wish distance wasn't such a big issue. that I could walk to give someone a hug insteed of two hours in a car. or a four minute trip to make a friend a cup of tea instead of four hours. Be closer when I want to be like that car advert when people simple push buildings out the way and make distances shorter by my own strength.

Sometimes I wish we didnt have stuff. like voicemail and consumerism. and 16 definitions to explain one thing.

Sometimes I wish that I understood my thought right now, that I wouldn't be so puzzled by the enigma that is me.

Sometimes I wish for easy answers to hard problems

I pray to God that these wishes don't come true. I began writing this blog to just write. Its 1am I cant sleep but actually I just had a revelation that I dont want these things not really. Having Barriers and problems makes the adventure worth it, makes it more worthwhile. I am writing an assignment and yes there are 16 different definitions to the word 'Sex' (see below) and yeah the distance thing is sucky but what you get when you get to the destination is more than worth the trip.

Gods pretty cool. (understatement of the year)


(my assignment is on people who work free willingly in the sex trade. they are seen as a marginalised group and are seen in a variety of different ways and positions. I find it really interesting but thats proberly because I am werid)

Judgemental Idiots

Sometimes Christians really annoy me. (I myself as a christian also annoy me for similar or same reasons)



I was recently talking with a generally amazing guy about homosexuality and Church.



How can it be that Instead of showing love and compassion to people who because of there sexual orientation already face exploitation, rejection and daily comments of 'its not natural' we condemn them.

I recently found out that a close friend of mine is gay. She is a christian by definition. Her family and a number of friends have told her that its not normal and cut her out. This girl is amazing, a true woman of God. She has inspired me in my christian walk countless times. how can it be that other christians can act towards her with such cruelty.

I read an article in a Christian magazine how Christians were waving Banners and protesting outside abortion clinics. Young girls who have been Raped, who have no knowledge of sex or what they are doing are being called murderers and sluts (did Rachel just write a swear word on her blog) by people who are trying to follow in Jesus's footsteps.

Instead surely we should be showing them Gods love, compassion and understanding. We dont have to agree with the choices these people have made in there lives to support them, stand beside them and love them.

The story in the bible about a women caught for adultery. Various people, leaders, and a general crowd. brought this lady forward to be stoned to death. Jesus stopped them by saying let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone.


The only being that has the right to comment on whose sin is greater than whose is Jesus. Christians can stand against things but stand against them by love not by condemnation.

please pray that I personally remember this when I pre-judge people and for the wider church network as charlie said in her blog ages ago it is acts and messages like this that show christians as people who have a "big-headed, arrogant, we're-better-than-you, and I-told-you-so attitude." I don't think that is the attitude Jesus had in mind for his followers to have.

church weekend away

I'm pretty happy at the minute.

Gods been amazing.

I realised I havent blogged in ages so bit of a catch up for those that are interested.

The Church Weekend away was epic.

To everyone at GBC, Thanks for making it so fantastic. It is a privledge to be part of you.

I really loved just getting the chance to relax a little and hang out with my church and my family. without any pressure it is such a fantastic time to relax, ponder Gods word, share fellowship and just do some interpretive dance for those who want too.

Two years ago I was bawling my eyes out at GBC weekend away because my family wasn't here. This year I cried because I was astounded at Gods greatest as giving me such an amazing Church family.

The speaker looked at Phillipians one of my favourite books of the bible. I was honestly excited when he read out one of my favourite verses. Phillipians 3 V 8 which is something I have really been struggling with recently.

I have been so busy with Work and Uni. I have just not been focusing on the important things.

Jesus and especially my quiet time with him have got pushed to the side while I try and deal with it all. A song also confirmed what God was saying "I can't do it alone" This stuff is pointless without God. It really is.

Please Pray that I remember this.

We also sang "You're Beautiful" I love this tune.

It says in Isaiah 53 v 2 that there was nothing beautiful about his appearence but thats just outward appearence.

I think that Beauty in its truest form comes from the inside.

My God is beautiful from the Inside out. Love is Beautiful and God is Love. I was so happy when Abe started singing it I made a little excited noise.

The Speaker Simon Jones is something of a legend.

Unfortunately I didnt get chance to talk to him much but he has a really awesome music taste (going off whats written on his blog) but what he said was really powerful.

I have recently been reading a book called Breakout by Mark Stibbe and Andrew Williams, which ties in so well to what he was saying. I really recommend a read.

He was expressing the need for churches no longer to be "come to us" but more "go to them."

Being honest with myself and the people of blogland, I dont quite know what God was specfically saying to me with this message.

I was so excited by the message that Simon brought to us. real change is needed and as he says "go and make disciples" not "sit tight and twiddle your thumbs and wait for them to realise there is a hole in there life" I have been trying to work out where I sit and twiddle (or write stupidly long blogs) instead of going and how I can do more.

I want to end with a quote from Gladitor (edited by Simon) this made me think a lot and has been stuck in my mind since the return "what we do in life echoes in eternity." Unleash Heaven into the world.

I think...

I think


miss Jodie Baker is amazing!!!!!!!!!!

Girlface

I have girlface badly.

I dont know why it was sort of unexpected (and seems a little soon)

but I do

and wanna know something else.

I give him girlface back

(Girly grin)

Prayer Requests

Ok, so I need some people to pray into a couple of conversations I have recently had. I wont use names as I am sure they may feel a little uncomfortable with seeing there names up here. (As I know at least one of them reads it)

I have recently had the priveledge (and it is a privledge) of meeting an amazing guy who strayed away from church and his faith gradually due to various reasons. We were talking in the pub and he said that he would love to come to GBC with me at some point. please pray for this guy, he has an amazing life story and is such an incredible bloke. I hope that at somepoint he may be coming to church with me.

Another situation is another one of my guy friends he is being chased by God at the minute and is trying to avoid the whole being a christian thing. He knows God is chasing him and has even told me that he is envious of my relationship with God. Something is just stopping him. Please pray for this guy. If its fear or the not wanting to sacrifice pray that God will put something in his heart to let him know its worth it.

I love both these Men and would grately appresiate prayer for them.

xxxxxx

Love you lot

So Officially I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone in regards to the car situation.

Yes, I have it back.

Thanks to everyone for offers of money and lifts.

And a huge thank you for everyone who was praying for me regarding the situation too.

One of the many lessons God has taught me throughout it all is just how unbelievably blessed I am to attend a church with such an amazing bunch of people. I am so thankful to have such an incredible family and really just want to thank everyone for well everything. I dont know how I would have survived.

xxxxxxx

Working 9 to 5

Ok, so the hours in the title arent exactly correct but pretty much everyone can guess that this post is about my new job.

I started on Wednesday and so far its been brillent. I am working for an independent care centre called Next Steps who specialise in supporting people with disabilities living in there own homes.

There are two lads at the minute both with learning disabilities. It is really tiring (as in I dont think I have ever been so tired in my life) We are just there to help them become intergrated in society and just live there lifes the way they want too.

It is good fun but as at the moment the Huntingdon Branch is not yet a week old. There are only three staff members in. (There has to be two staff on at any one time and one of the lads requires 24 hour care) so I have gone massively over the twenty hours that I was aiming for. Hopefully it will settle down though when the other two staff start.

My parents have been seriously worried about me in regards to the amount of hours I have done this week. remember I started on Wednesday and I have done about 46 hours ish kind of insane.

It will settle down though. this week has been really hard just with trying to get everything done, (which I have failed miserably at)

but I have throughly enjoyed today, Church was brillent. We were looking at crossing the Jorden river which was really cool and I actually had a bit of a chat with god about it, which was good. More than likely see another blog about that one soon.

The rest of today was just relaxing really (ok, not quite) I tidied my room, cooked dinner, picked my brother up from Peterborough and attempted to chill out. I have had an amazing bath with chocolate, a glass of wine and a book. I am now snuggled up in bed writing this and texting the beautiful Roseanna and my friend Nick. (who is also beautiful)

Please Pray for

- energy
-That I get everyhing done and I keep a clear stress free head about it all and that I keep my eyes firmly on Jesus and dont get distracted by the ever growing uni work pile.

xxx

I have a friend...

I have a friend.

she is a beautiful person but I saw her face today and it broke my heart. You could see just how much she is hurting and she was trying to hide it.

I love this person. I see her as pretty much family. I am not quite sure where our friendship stands at the minute but I love her and if she wants to talk to me I will come running.

A five minute make a difference task...

So I was surfing today and I headed towards the open doors website. Now for those that dont know Open doors is a charity which was originally set up by Brother Andrew (LEGEND) to help the persecuted church.

Many of you (The youth that read this blog at least) have the walk with them green shoelaces.

In the august edition of there magazine I read about the alwful events of the violence in August last year in Orissa, India.

A 17 year old girl watched her family murdered, was captured, raped and then set on fire. Why? because she is a christian.

There are countless stories of individuals around the globe being put in prison, murdered, and being oppressed.

One man has a fine of £14,000 just because he was printing bibles.

God commanded us to be light to show the way to others, to say no to injustice, I'm crying because of what I am reading you would of thought with the horrors of the 2nd World War and the concentration camps that the world would have learnt its lesson in regards to tolerance of other religions.

On there website there are ways to help I have just written 7 letters. One to the Indian Prime Minister, One to my local MP, and the others are to Christian brothers and sisters who are in prison or whose spose/son are in prison and supporting them through such times.

It literally takes five minutes. If you have time check it out.

the website is http://www.opendoorsuk.org/ click campaign or write and take five minutes and support our brothers and sisters.

looking at there website

Weekend

This post has absolutley no point other than sharing to the world how fantastic my weekend has been.

Friday night was the first Rock Solid back from the Summer, which was amazing. Once again God surprises me and shows how much I should not judge people around me. We had the Labrinth and I really thought that being the first week back and the impressions of how hyper some of the lads were in the first ten minutes I really thought they wouldn't take it seriously and mess about. (there was even thoughts that the church may be burnt down) but honestly they really got stuck into it. There were a great deal of revelations.

Daisy Alexander really made my Day when she handed me a bible with a note in it.

Those guys never seist to amaze me. God is using them and is turning them all into such incredible women and men of God. It is a privledge to watch.

Saturday was mainly spent hanging out with Penny and getting ready for Amie's James Bond ball in the evening. It was awesome. I got chatting to some really amazing people. God really revealed himself to me this evening through complete strangers.

I wore (for those of you that care) a full length black evening dress and I felt pretty (is a rare thing people) . The strangers really boosted my low self esteem in the way I look that I seemed to have adopted.

I got asked to dance, and just various comments and conversation really were lovely (and surprising to here) It was nice just to talk to people and go to a party. Thank you so much Amie for inviting me and being so lovely.

Sunday was mental left Amie's at 8.45 to catch a bus which then turned into two. I honestly didnt think it was possible to take 3 hours to get myself to Godmanchester. (usually a mere 40 minutes)

Church was good. I really love looking into Joshua in depth. It had some really great points which is leaving me meditating on it more and more. I cant wait until next week when we are looking a Rahab (I think)

Bit gutted I could make it to Katies Baptism today but been praying for her the last two weeks and I got her a little something. I heard it was brillent.

I then pegged it home and went to the BBC Radio 2 ABBA concert with my mum. If I am honest I was really skeptical about it but mum really wanted to go and no one would go with her. I loved it. We were surrounded by a great bunch of people (again strangers who really made the day) It is possibly one of the best gigs I have ever been too.

Oh and the missing person has appeared again well one of them

Anyway tommorrow is my induction day for my new job so prayers would be greatly appresiated x

Church

This is a sensitive topic for many. Myself included.

Especially over the past three years GBC has hurt me alot. I dont want to point fingers and like every situation blame is on both sides.

I had very high expectations on what GBC would be like when I was in a place of responsibility and I have a huge lack of knowledge of how things work, which led to me confused and baffled originally and even more so when I was disheartened and unencouraged.

You have proberly noticed (and I do bang on about it a lot) how there is nothing for people 18+ at GBC nor in the majority of churches.

One thing I have learnt over the past few months is I can complain all I like, I can wag my fingers and stamp my feet until they fall off but, whats the point? Why don't I insteed put my energy into something positive.

so that is exactly what I am doing (well, we). Me, Abbi and my darling Jess are forming a prayer triplet (I dont know how else to describe it). Im (ridiculously) excited about it. It is a chance to be able to grow and be challenged in my peer group with people with similar issues to myself.

The reason (for those that are interested) I ended up not leaving GBC was that a very wise young lad made me realise that Church isn't about me or what I get out of it. (you should be able to take stuff away with you/leave stuff behind/grow/be challenged/have fellowship that is important) but that shouldn't be why I go.

I go because I have an opportunity to serve others in the church, whether that means holding a nail while a small child smacks my hand with a hammer or just share fellowship. To show people that I love them and I care for them. To show that Jesus loves them and Cares about them

The perfect church doesnt exist because perfect people dont. The church can disappoint, hurt, damage. It can be unencouraging, lonely, boring and painful but it can also be an incredible place for love to shine when we let it.

Im pretty useless but God will use that he will do something with it. I have no idea what or how and I am 99% of the time baffled by him but you know I think I am meant to be.

Im not saying its right, it is just some incoherant thoughts about my motivations and my reflections of the past few years that have been in my head this week.

So next week, I will stand there hold a nail, give a small child a hammer again because one day God will show them how to aim and one day they may build someone a house, a classroom or even a church and show someone else some of Jesus's love.

Green Eyed Monster

I think I have drawn upon this briefly on a previous blog.

I have been struggling recently from feelings of Envy and resentment for the choices I made for God three years ago. Choices like staying at GBC for a gap year and staying at home for University.

I see my friends who have gone of to university and have had the adventure of there lifes. I have seen them grow not only spiritually but as people. I have seen them building lifelong friendships, go on crazy wild nights out, and be challenged as 21 year olds in there faith by stuff that applies to them.

It is not that I have not loved the past three years I have, I have had the greatest blessings bestode upon my life. I have made the greatest friends and had some pretty incredible adventures (there arent many people who have managed to get kicked out of Tesco's twice) but still I was left with resentment like feelings towards the decisions I was made.

I chose to stick around. god told me too. I went to the worse university I could have possibly gone too when actually when I got into 2 top 10 universities. I stayed living at home watching one by one as all my friends left. I stayed in a church (which at the time) I thought did not challenge me or let me grow all because God told me too, while my brother went travelling around the world, my friends had experiences that I dream about.

It is not that I would change it I wouldnt for the world just when you see your friends having the experiences, the responsibility, the relationships that you long for it is hard not to question your decisions.

Anyway me and God had a chat about this and he reminded me of a bible verse that Joe gave me when I got baptised. Jeremiah 29 v11

He has a plan for my life. One that is a beautiful plan. It is not the same as any of my other friends that I am envious of, It is a Unique one. It is a plan fit for my life and for the work that God has commissioned for me I should not be envious that other people get different adventures than me because well God has given me some pretty awesome ones and will give me a few more. they are no greater or worse than anyone others

Yeah, I get down but I think that the lonliness I feel is related to this but it also my need to be content and remember how blessed I really am.

Please pray that I remember this and that these feelings do not come back.

Quoting the movie Ghost Town here

"We just get the one life, you know. Just one. You can't live someone else's or think it's more important just because it's more dramatic. What happens matters. May be only to us, but it matters"

Easier to Run

Yes, I realise I have just titled my blog after a Linken Park tune.

I am generally one that tends to run away from my feelings. If I am hurting or annoyed I never really say. It annoys a lot of my friends as in a sense I understand why it could be really frustrating. It could be weeks before they find out about something I have been struggling with. to some degree you could even go as far to say that I am never really honest with them.

Generally, If stuff hurts why go through the pain of dealing with it? It is easier to run away and avoid it. To cover it up, to put it as far away as you possibly can inside yourself. I find myself not wanting to deal with situations.

I am brillent at this.I think I am the worlds champion of running away from my emotions.

In a sense this could relate to Jonah. physically you could run away (avoid everything that associates with it or may make you deal with it) or you can do it emotionally. You can bottle it up in the emotion bottle in your heart.

Sooner or later though God will stop you from running. (he may not always use a whale) He doesn't do this because he dislikes us or wants us to go through pain he does it because he wants us to have a full life.

Me and Joe had a chat at Momentum about my resilience to express my emotions, and once again he reminded me of the fact that eventually it always comes out.

I made a pretty beefy mistake a week ago which I am now (trying) to deal with the consequences. As always I have tried to keep it under the carpet only letting the selected few know what is going on (and explain why I am going loopy.)

However, Last night I exploded. I threw the lie and the mask away that everything was alright and bawled my eyes out on my brothers bed. I was honest with my family about my feelings something I have not done for years. (not like that actually)

It was not pretty, (I, definatly did not feel pretty) but I feel so much better now. Since I released some of my emotion, since I stood my ground and began to deal. I can begin to put the situation right (if I can) I can start healing.

p.s. my family have been fantastic I love them so much and are so blessed to have them.

Battleground

Generally I find when God teaches you or shows you something important the devil tries to stop you from applying your new found knowledge or gifting for heavens work.

I have had this recently, I have put myself in a position where I was open to my good old self esteem issues.

'No one will ever love me like that, how could they?'

'Whats the point? Im useless'

Because of this situation I slept for a total of 52 hours which if I am honest was pretty impressive laziness. I wanted to avoid the world and everyone in it (sorry) Sleep was a method to avoid the pain. If i am asleep I cant feel. Sleep in good.

Today and Sunday (although I was trying my best to hold it all together) I was reminded at the fact that I was Unique. Beautifully Unique. There is no one like me, no one who looks like Rachel, no one whose personality is like mine and no one whose light shines just like mine.

So instead of delving into a world of self-pity for yet another week. I am going to attempt to pull myself together and remember that I may not be beautiful like the rest of the world but I have beauty in my uniqueness and one day maybe just maybe someone may fall in love with that uniqueness.

How he see's me?

I asked God to show me how he saw me.

It was interesting to say the least.

So apparently I am like Nala (the female lion from the lion king.)

A dreamer, a fighter for justice, beautiful and strong.

I am also a princess - compassionate and caring.

Proberly the most werid and the most exciting for myself is the word Unique

not unique in the sense that I am werid, but unique as in there is no one else like me. I stand out I am special. Im beautiful because of that uniqueness.

Insecurity

I realised I wrote a lot of previous blogs around this topic. While I was growing up I had a great deal of words said over me.



There is that phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" that phrase is a lie.



Words do more damage. I was called worthless. I was told that I was not loved. I was told that I was ugly. I was told and treated that I was useless and would never amount to anything.


I wrote a series of letters while I was at momentum to various people about various things. One of which is below.

You said I was Ugly

God Says I'm Beautiful

You said I was worthless

Jesus proved that I was worth something

You said I was unlovable

I am loved by God

You said I was useless

Through God I can do anything

You said I would never amount to anything

God has a plan for my life

You said I didnt deserve life

I was given a whole one

These are all words. These things roll around my head like bowling balls. The point being every word that was spoken over me was a lie. The Bible backs up this fact. So now I am standing tall in the truth. Fighting the lies that were said over me knowing that when I stand with Jesus. the lies are just lies. The words of the lies are empty.

movie moments last a lifetime

There is an advert currently on sky movies displaying a lot of movie moments and how HD makes them better. I think that is a load of tosh.

I love films. I wouldnt say it was completely down to our love of movies but me and Jasper bonded orginally over that. The reason I love them is the good ones can completely alter your viewpoint, mood or perspective on something.

Great movies and great movie moments can change you forever. here are a few of mine. (this list is written purely out of boredom and the need for all who are reading this to see these films)

The end scene of Shawshank redemption - Where Red shows up and meets Andy on the Beach. It is a beautiful moment and so full of contrast to the prison. It really is such a brillent movie.

Dunkirk scene in Atonement. It literally breaks my heart. The music is beautiful and just ties a knot in your gut.

The shower scene in Shindlers list - A group of Jewish women go in and think they are about to be gased. It is proberly one of the most heart racing moments of cinema I have ever seen.

Casablanca - the end at the airport where Rick says goodbye to Ilsa. It is voted one of the most romantic moments in film ever.

Another sloppy girly film - Breakfast at tiffanys just the last scene- Holly shouting "cat" in the rain.

Session 9 - Barely anyone has ever heard of this movie but there is one moment where Jeff is running away from 'the killer' and the lights are going off behind him. I was literally shouting at the screen.

'Frankly my dear i dont give a damn' Gone with the wind it is such a fantastic movie (flipping long) but well worth it for that moment alone.

Psycho - the freaking shower scene definatly one of the most scary moments ever. I had some serious fears showering after watching that film.

Anyway enough of me babbling on Penny has finished her shower now so time to jazz

Fear and all that jazz

Some people are scared of Spiders, some are snakes.

I get my intense dislike of Rats from my mother. generally this fear is amplified for comidic effect.

But Fear can change the most decent, intelligent human being into a complete fool. It can turn the most loving siblings into warring tribes.


Now if any of you know me well enough, you will note that proberly my biggest fear is being vulnerable. Some risks I am comfortable in taking (putting self out there for public humiliation) others not so much.


At Momentum this year there reached a point where I could either run or stand strong and face my demons.


I could say here that I waited until my friends knew infomation before I surrendered the situation to God.

That would be a lie.

It was because I was scared. I ran away.

I Finally surrended and let go on his third try.

I find myself moaning and complaining that my life is not all I want it to be. I find myself still not content, still searching and still facing the struggles I have had for the past 4 years. Maybe it is not because God is not suffient but perhaps I still havent surrendered all of myself to him.

God makes us Vunerable. He wants to get close to the real us. He gave us his all and sometimes he just asks that we stand that we take the lid off from our emotional jar and knock the walls down that restrains our hearts that scares us that makes us want to run away.

But I will tell you something its scary, it hurts, its messy but it is well worth it. It is worth it.

A love like...

When I wa younger I used to love movies like 'Free Willy' or 'The Call of the Wild' (and yes when it was on TV the other day I did watch it)

While I was growing up I was a pretty lonely kid. My parents worked a great deal, my brother and I never really saw eye to eye, Igot bullied loads and never really had any lasting friendships.

I always longed for a love that defied understanding. (im sure you all know where I am going with this one)

In this films the relationships never made sense, Animal (dangerous) befriends boy (lost) go on adventure lasting love that defys everything and all logic.

The Logic of the world says that god doesn't exist. Logic would say that god could take away pain and if he loved us he would.

Screw Logic!!! Logic says I am worthless and useless. Logic said i would never get into University. Logic is a Liar.

Love says I am worth a hek of a lot. Love makes sense of there relationships and love see's a dangerous being help a lost child become found.

If you have seen the films it is not easy and the love they face encounters loads of hardship. (sometimes even a few guns) but it always wins.

Love will win

A new me

All my life I have had to do lists. long ones. people to meet, things to do, books to read, films to watch.

no matter how much I would do the list grew. I would endevour like anything to acheive the list to even make a dent in it but it continued to grow. I spent so long scribbling on bits of paper (killing a lot of tree's) that I missed it.

I missed the point.

I have a lot of selfish desires, dreams and plans for my life that I gave to God at the beginning of my time at GBC (three years ago) and I am now dealing with my own thoughts of what if's and what would of happened now which god is dealing with. Most of my What If's are ridiculous and as much as some of the decision I made broke my heart (and many others) I would not want to change a single one.

Apart from this there is one thing in particular I have learnt from it all. Something I have missed. Missed throughout my intire life and my three years here. something I hadn't realised. I always knew it but never really realised.

Life is outside, adventure, fun, education is outside. outside the four walls that make up my bedroom.

I could learn loads about history. become an expert on Tony and Ridley Scott movies but never experience the adventures that make them.

We can read the bible how Daniel slayed Giants but never slay our own, we can read and learn about faith that could move the mountains but what good is it if we never step out and put our faith into action.

Jesus died so we could live he gave us free will.

he gave us the choice to sit inside our church buildings listening to sermon upon sermon and never taking action. he gave us the choice to sit around not bothering, he gave us the choice to let fear, self image and our selfishness control us.

He gave me the choice.

I choose him. no more lies, no more being held back by fear, no more stupid masks. no more Insecurity. (see following post)

I choose a new me through him.

So why the new Blog???

I have been praying and considering doing this for a while.

I am in much need for growing up, I am 21 years old and most of the time I act like I am 18 this is for many reasons most my own fault but that is where I am at.

A great deal has changed in the past year in me and I am excited what this following year will bring. so a new blog for a new me.

(definition on a new me later)