Hello world,

So I wanted to write the blog on my new Job but todays evening events have overshadowed my happiness. Rock Solid stresses me out. I've been in tears tonight over it.

I knew leading the club would be hard and I understood the ideology of 'got to have rain to have a rainbow' but today literally made me break down. I literally just hugged Nick and cried (snot and all) up to about 10 minutes ago. He brought me smarties which also made me cry.

I started my job yesterday which has so far been full of surprises and full of food for thought but I have to get up every morning by 6am I leave at half 6 and don't get back until 6 at night which having the evenings free is lovely.

I planned Rock Solid on Sunday. The planning takes at minimum two hours because I have to sit and pray over it and a lot of the time the material that is given is rubbish so I have to make up my own. After that I have to write an email to the leaders to inform them of the plan. I also write out a prayer email to a group of wonderful people who pray for us each week which again takes the best part of two hours. I know I tend to "write as i think" so I try my best to read over these emails with a toothcomb to try and make the language, vocab and whatever else right.

On top of that is Reveal which I plan, write handout sheets for and buy food for as well as these new Rock Solid blogs. Each week I write a blog on each sessions topic this can take from 1 hour to 2 hours which I research, pray over and again toothcomb it.

Tonight I found out that my carefully laid out plan has been messed up (as people cant come) which is fine. It happens most weeks and people cant help getting colds and work committments. What has annoyed me is the lack of help I have got? I am a volunteer i'm not getting paid. I took two weeks off work (as a holiday as unlike most people I dont get christmas off) I had dreams of going for walks, visiting friend, museums and art gallerys and I spent all of it sorting out stuff for these youth clubs and organising stuff for church. I didnt do any of these things. Im tired, exhausted in fact I havent slept properly in weeks. Writing on my facebook saying "answer your phone" is not helpful when you call me at 4 in the afternoon. I am at work. I didnt even have time for a lunch break today.

Me and Nick live in the same house (which is a huge blessing) and the fact I havent been able to share more than 5 words with him in the last 5 days is ridiculous. It is not helpful getting emails/texts/phonecalls and any other method of communication you can think off of lists telling me of stuff that needs to be done.

I know I am just ranting and last Rock Solid was so positive this is proberly a spiritual attack but im just so tired. I love Rock Solid. I love the kids and the leaders but Iwas hoping and praying into having some evenings this week to spend relaxing instead I will be reworking the Rock Solid Plan, Changing Blogs, writing and planning the three seperate talks we are having on the weekend away, Re-emailing the RS plan out, Writing the MC Plan, Organising the 3 seperate games I am leading on the night because others cant come anymore and trying to work out how on earth I am going to have time to eat anything at all on Friday as I have meetings from 11 -4 at work and then I am properly am going to have too head straight to GBC to put out tuck and set up the games and make sure all the material is there.

Im a volunteer I dont get paid. I have another full time job, I am also proberly going to have to find another Job for the evenings as we pretty much need the extra money for the wedding and future house. It makes me literally cry that my holiday turned into me being stuck at my computer screen.

Anyway, I am getting more hopeless as I think about mine and Nicks future in how on earth we are going to be able to afford to live and being more ridiculous at feeling sorry for myself that my holiday/evenings have turned into more work hours. So in the legendary words of Dory "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" whats the point in complaining anyway