yet another one

Ok, so yet another prayer request.

A distant family member came to my house to stay for the weekend and borrowed a Christian book, which is really cool as she usually screws her nose up at anything religious.

She also stated that next time she came down she would come to GBC with me which is extremely exciting. please pray into this.

Wild horses

God put a picture in my head of a wild horse, running chasing the wind. (It was beautiful I tried drawing it but I can't do it justice)

He told me that I am like this wild horse always running never just being still. I can't catch the wind.

Please Pray

For some reason I fidget, I think, I sing. I do everything and anything to avoid silence and stillness. I have a feeling what this relates too but also I don't know how to stop. I need God's help.

Its a long one

I always knew that your past influenced your life as you got older but I had no idea to what a degree.

Don't get me wrong I think it is wrong to excuse behaviour because of your history but the history haunts you.

Every new step and adventure that you embark on reminds you of it or leaves you with more questions and issues around your past.

All the old, conflicting chains come back trying to hold you down, I know my God fights for me and I know he wins.

I am just impatient for it to be done with, to know God has freed me from this fully. To no longer be scared or hide away, to no longer feel so rubbish about myself that I want to ceist to exist. To no longer live to people please but live to please my God.

Its all connected. My doubts, My fear, My relationships and its in the fine imprints of my personality.

Bit by Bit he teaches me more about my past but yet I still need more to be discovered more healing to be done. Is it that I am holding on to it? Like a comfort blanket made out of barbed wire?

I have recently been reading a book called search for the father. I wouldnt say it is a book which deserves a literacy prize but its interesting and words two things really well

One is a great way of explaining the ruining the carpet moment at Momentum this year. It is described as an emotional earthquakes. I can relate to being left shaken and tired and to the feeling of the epicentre being painful and raw. The aftershocks came in the revelation that I hadn't known the pain existed.

I get constantly asked whether I'm angry. It would make sense to be in regards to all the humanal instincts we have. If I have all that built up emotional anger, it would make sense why I am still dealing with it.

But I have never had any negetive thought or feelings towards the individual I love them. I can't Judge them I don't have a right too. They were screwed up too. This person is generally amazing.

The other I wont quote but it also reconfirmed some points I have in my head that by holding on to it, I damage others and myself. ultimately though I also damage my relationship with God.

I do love blog writing it does an half help me discover my own answers to stuff.

Maybe I should be asking why? not why it happened, I can go around and around that little game in my head for years but Why I want it done with. My initial answer shamefully is so that I can live. Not so Ican go out and become the person God wants me to be. that should be my answer so that my relationship with God won't have this huge elephant in the room.

Another quite shameful answer I have gotten from writing this is that I haven't embraced the fact that I am made new in God when I became a christian. I held on to the old me with new teeth. I dont feel bold enough to write that its over with. but I do feel that this year will continue to be a journey of recovery, healing and revelations.

God has spoken over me words of freedom, life and love who am I to disagree?

Bring on the year.

Sasquatch/Bells

Your Superwomen.

Im so proud of you.

I love that we can turn our sucky days into a game but you always win cos my day is no longer sucky cos I get to talk to you.

Know its hard but your doing amazing. xxxxx

what the future will hold

In the past two and a half weeks, 13 people have asked me what I want to do with my life?



I usually wouldn't have counted but the question has come up so often now that I can tell from signs that this question is coming.



Honestly I have no idea. People get a label put round there neck when you choose your Job Profession. Its part of how you describe yourself to others and how others describe you.



I was thinking seriously about being a youth leader last year but now I screw my nose up. part is because I have been so disheartened by others response to me in that role that I now dont think Im cut out for it nor want to do it. (dont get me wrong, Taking part in the youth work at GBC has been one of the biggest blessings of my life) The other is because I love all people in my church. I love the adults and the children and the elderly. By becoming a youth worker/pastor that defines me to a specific group. (they are a flipping awesome group at that) but is that the only people I want to stand beside.



The next is a missionary. Something I have been thinking more and more apon recently since Uganda. This at the minute is my most probable option after uni. but is that what my career is going to be on the long term. What about the personal side of it? the leaving of loved ones for years at a time. If God sends me I will go no matter the cost but my heart will break a thousand times over leaving my loved ones for such a length.



The next is a government official. paperwork pushing behind a desk. Quite clearly here the answer is no. not a shot. I would rather live in a cardboard box with pet Rats. (and I hate Rats)



What about this care Job? Maybe for another couple of months but as a commitment on the long term. No I am not happy as it is. The work comes home with you. I have had three phone calls tonight and its my day off regarding issues and paperwork.



Do I carry on studying? Doctor Rachel Storey doesnt quite sound right. plus Financial issues and to do what.



Do I go to bible college that I have always kind of wanted too. Again Finance and what then after that and to do what?



so the honest answer is I dont have a clue there is far to many options open to me. Ok, yeah the sensible option is to get some money behind me and then go and galivant. Even when I orginally chose my university options for UCAS (5 years ago now whoa) I had no idea and got so stressed with the pressure I just picked places that had a nice ring to there names not even really looking at where they were nor did I even look at the website. (Thanks to God for stopping me on that pathway) I hope to be a little bit more informed and sensible about the next life changing step of my life.



I am a little nervous as I proberly should have at least more of an idea than I currently do have.



A wise man once told me it doesn't matter what the future holds, I need to just remember who is holding it.



Im grasping on to those words with my finger nails at the minute during all this mass decision making process.



Please Pray that my eyes are open to God at this time.


Love to you all and i will keep you posted.

Uni

So as I am sure most of those that read this know, I am in my final year of University. (scary stuff have no idea where all the last two years have gone.)

I love Uni, as much as I moan about the workload. I will be seriously sad to finish.

I love going into uni and having my mindblown by theories about my country. (read Foucault)

I love the debates about housing, Prostitutes, Immigration and the role of the media.

I love reading books which just make you go wow which are written by people with ridiculous names.

I love the sunny days where I can lay on Parkers Peace drinking Beer and Studying at the same time.

I love late night snuggled on the sofa in the libary learning.

I love having Coffee with the girls and discussing whose the better lecturer.

I love the pressure, the late night panic when an assignment is due in the next day and the beautiful feeling when its finished.

I am kind of surprised to be thinking/feeling these things. Gods good. I've learnt a lot, grown up a lot and met some absolutely jaw droppingly inspirational people (This includes you Louise) I'm going to miss it. Once again I am glad I realised this a while before I leave it gives me a good amount of time to make the most of my time that is left.

Questions you ask yourself at 1am

Should I announce and explain my secrecy? Should I quit my job?

Why do I act that way? Why did I do that?

Was it real? Is it real?

Why do I expect the negative? Why do I doubt myself when I know its Jesus who is (or should be) in charge?

Why is it that the person who hurt me the most is the person I go to when i am in pain? Why do people at uni say I can do it where I am clearly falling far behind?

How can I help my parents? Have I really forgiven him or is it repressed?

Why when I was told it would never happen again it did? How can I put more personal Jesus time into my day?

Why am I still angry at someone? Should I dye my hair again?

I really want to drive up to Bristol and surprise my best friend (surprise ruined now) but When can I fit it in? What am i going to do?

I need to go to the dress makers for my fitting for my bridesmaid dress when can I do that?

When will my brother become a christian? Why is the bruise on my knee in the shape of Africa?

Why is she mad at me? Why can I not finish Great Expectations? (year of trying)

Are any of the things I like/dislike actually things I like or dislike or is it because of some personer I put on? Why does he like me?

How can I help a friend? If I quit my job will everything Financially be ok?

Would my Grandpa be proud? Am I missing it all?

Was there more than what I know? If yes huh?

Is he reading this? Do people actually read this rubbish?

sometimes I wish

I sometimes wish I had an on/off switch in my mind.


something that would stop me from thinking.



I just feel like sometimes I'm a balloon with so much pressure going on inside of me that Im going to go 'pop' at any second. Sometimes I wish it would all just go away so I could feel the silence. (tunage moment)


Sometimes I wish I had more time. Enough time to read all the books I have brought but "haven't got round to reading," more Time to meet friends for coffee "without worrying whether I am going to miss another appointment" Enough time to Pray for two yours solidly "without having to cut something out of my day" Enough time to go running like I used too or even to do some art.

Sometimes I wish distance wasn't such a big issue. that I could walk to give someone a hug insteed of two hours in a car. or a four minute trip to make a friend a cup of tea instead of four hours. Be closer when I want to be like that car advert when people simple push buildings out the way and make distances shorter by my own strength.

Sometimes I wish we didnt have stuff. like voicemail and consumerism. and 16 definitions to explain one thing.

Sometimes I wish that I understood my thought right now, that I wouldn't be so puzzled by the enigma that is me.

Sometimes I wish for easy answers to hard problems

I pray to God that these wishes don't come true. I began writing this blog to just write. Its 1am I cant sleep but actually I just had a revelation that I dont want these things not really. Having Barriers and problems makes the adventure worth it, makes it more worthwhile. I am writing an assignment and yes there are 16 different definitions to the word 'Sex' (see below) and yeah the distance thing is sucky but what you get when you get to the destination is more than worth the trip.

Gods pretty cool. (understatement of the year)


(my assignment is on people who work free willingly in the sex trade. they are seen as a marginalised group and are seen in a variety of different ways and positions. I find it really interesting but thats proberly because I am werid)

Judgemental Idiots

Sometimes Christians really annoy me. (I myself as a christian also annoy me for similar or same reasons)



I was recently talking with a generally amazing guy about homosexuality and Church.



How can it be that Instead of showing love and compassion to people who because of there sexual orientation already face exploitation, rejection and daily comments of 'its not natural' we condemn them.

I recently found out that a close friend of mine is gay. She is a christian by definition. Her family and a number of friends have told her that its not normal and cut her out. This girl is amazing, a true woman of God. She has inspired me in my christian walk countless times. how can it be that other christians can act towards her with such cruelty.

I read an article in a Christian magazine how Christians were waving Banners and protesting outside abortion clinics. Young girls who have been Raped, who have no knowledge of sex or what they are doing are being called murderers and sluts (did Rachel just write a swear word on her blog) by people who are trying to follow in Jesus's footsteps.

Instead surely we should be showing them Gods love, compassion and understanding. We dont have to agree with the choices these people have made in there lives to support them, stand beside them and love them.

The story in the bible about a women caught for adultery. Various people, leaders, and a general crowd. brought this lady forward to be stoned to death. Jesus stopped them by saying let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone.


The only being that has the right to comment on whose sin is greater than whose is Jesus. Christians can stand against things but stand against them by love not by condemnation.

please pray that I personally remember this when I pre-judge people and for the wider church network as charlie said in her blog ages ago it is acts and messages like this that show christians as people who have a "big-headed, arrogant, we're-better-than-you, and I-told-you-so attitude." I don't think that is the attitude Jesus had in mind for his followers to have.

church weekend away

I'm pretty happy at the minute.

Gods been amazing.

I realised I havent blogged in ages so bit of a catch up for those that are interested.

The Church Weekend away was epic.

To everyone at GBC, Thanks for making it so fantastic. It is a privledge to be part of you.

I really loved just getting the chance to relax a little and hang out with my church and my family. without any pressure it is such a fantastic time to relax, ponder Gods word, share fellowship and just do some interpretive dance for those who want too.

Two years ago I was bawling my eyes out at GBC weekend away because my family wasn't here. This year I cried because I was astounded at Gods greatest as giving me such an amazing Church family.

The speaker looked at Phillipians one of my favourite books of the bible. I was honestly excited when he read out one of my favourite verses. Phillipians 3 V 8 which is something I have really been struggling with recently.

I have been so busy with Work and Uni. I have just not been focusing on the important things.

Jesus and especially my quiet time with him have got pushed to the side while I try and deal with it all. A song also confirmed what God was saying "I can't do it alone" This stuff is pointless without God. It really is.

Please Pray that I remember this.

We also sang "You're Beautiful" I love this tune.

It says in Isaiah 53 v 2 that there was nothing beautiful about his appearence but thats just outward appearence.

I think that Beauty in its truest form comes from the inside.

My God is beautiful from the Inside out. Love is Beautiful and God is Love. I was so happy when Abe started singing it I made a little excited noise.

The Speaker Simon Jones is something of a legend.

Unfortunately I didnt get chance to talk to him much but he has a really awesome music taste (going off whats written on his blog) but what he said was really powerful.

I have recently been reading a book called Breakout by Mark Stibbe and Andrew Williams, which ties in so well to what he was saying. I really recommend a read.

He was expressing the need for churches no longer to be "come to us" but more "go to them."

Being honest with myself and the people of blogland, I dont quite know what God was specfically saying to me with this message.

I was so excited by the message that Simon brought to us. real change is needed and as he says "go and make disciples" not "sit tight and twiddle your thumbs and wait for them to realise there is a hole in there life" I have been trying to work out where I sit and twiddle (or write stupidly long blogs) instead of going and how I can do more.

I want to end with a quote from Gladitor (edited by Simon) this made me think a lot and has been stuck in my mind since the return "what we do in life echoes in eternity." Unleash Heaven into the world.

I think...

I think


miss Jodie Baker is amazing!!!!!!!!!!

Girlface

I have girlface badly.

I dont know why it was sort of unexpected (and seems a little soon)

but I do

and wanna know something else.

I give him girlface back

(Girly grin)

Prayer Requests

Ok, so I need some people to pray into a couple of conversations I have recently had. I wont use names as I am sure they may feel a little uncomfortable with seeing there names up here. (As I know at least one of them reads it)

I have recently had the priveledge (and it is a privledge) of meeting an amazing guy who strayed away from church and his faith gradually due to various reasons. We were talking in the pub and he said that he would love to come to GBC with me at some point. please pray for this guy, he has an amazing life story and is such an incredible bloke. I hope that at somepoint he may be coming to church with me.

Another situation is another one of my guy friends he is being chased by God at the minute and is trying to avoid the whole being a christian thing. He knows God is chasing him and has even told me that he is envious of my relationship with God. Something is just stopping him. Please pray for this guy. If its fear or the not wanting to sacrifice pray that God will put something in his heart to let him know its worth it.

I love both these Men and would grately appresiate prayer for them.

xxxxxx